Top Ten Jobs in America- part 1

In trying to navigate my way through unemployment, I’ve checked out several articles on the top jobs out there,  and lemme tell ya- they’re full of shit. Take CNBC’s “Ten Best Jobs in America in 2010” list- I wouldn’t want to work a single one of these jobs even if I WAS able to get them, which I am not. Take a look for yourself:

10) Dental Hygienist: This has to be a joke, right? NO ONE wants to be a dental hygienist. First of all they’re just a minor league dentist doing all the dirty work for 5% of what a dentist makes.  Plus, I hate flossing with every bone in my body and I’ll be DAMNED if I’m going to voluntary floss SOMEONE ELSE’S teeth. This job is only great if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t want the pain of a six-figure salary but still wants to put their hands in random people’s mouths. Terrible.

9) Accountant: This one I could see if it was a list of good jobs in America, but it’s TOP jobs in America. THE BEST OF THE BEST OF THE BEST, SIR! No one on this planet LOVES being an accountant, they just do it because they know math and have a business degree. Is this a rash, naive generalization? I vote yes.

8 ) Statistician: Just because some CNBC asshole read Freakanomics doesn’t make this job great. This job is only awesome if you are autistic.

7) Paralegal assistant: If being a paralegal assistant was so riveting why are there so many lawyers. Nothing with “assistant” in it can ever be a “top job”. Next.

6) Mathematician: Yeah this job worked out fucking great for Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. Besides, mathematicians don’t even exist in the post-Medieval world. Why didn’t they just put sorcerer on here too?

5) Historian: Knowing a lot about history doesn’t make you money, it just makes you look smart when you watch Jeopardy.  Your career choices as a “historian” are 1) Work at a school for no money 2) Work at a museum for no money. THAT’S IT. Not to mention, every “historian” out there is a pretentious dick. No one gives a shit that you know all about the French and Indian War, asshole.

4) Biologist: I have no beef with biologists.

3) Computer Systems Analyst
2) Software Engineer: I group these two together because they’re equally terrible. There’s like 10 unemployed people in this country who could do either of these jobs, and chances are those 10 people are too busy trying to find a job for their Second Life avatar right now,  so why include it on the list?

1) Actuary: THE NUMBER ONE JOB IN AMERICA, FOLKS. ACTUARY! In case you are unaware, actuaries are the people in charge of assessing the risk and security of financial systems. And if we’ve learned anything over the past year and a half , it’s that financial systems are totally secure and that there’s no risk at all of them crashing. You wanna know why there’s so many openings for actuaries right now? Because NO ONE WANTS TO BE A FUCKING ACTUARY DURING A FINANCIAL COLLAPSE. If you are bad at your job, you can go to JAIL. And you know it’s a bad when the picture on Wikipedia for actuary, is of post-Katrina New Orleans- Are you kidding me? If this were a list of worst ten jobs in America in 2010, actuary would be somewhere between Vatican lawyer and West Virginian coal miner.  GET FUCKED CNBC.


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