So now that we’ve established that CNBC knows nothing about the way rankings work or the definition of “top”, I feel obligated to offer my own top ten list of jobs in America. Excluded from this list are obviously awesome jobs like professional athlete or video game tester which would kick ass but are too easy to put down. So, here we go- my half-baked list of the top jobs in modern America- consider it an unemployment wishlist. 10) Trashman- Okay so this one might be a little bizarre. But TELL ME you haven’t always wanted to ride on the back of those trucks when they go by. When I see a trash truck drive by, it takes every bone in my body not to hop on and pretend I’m escaping after a foot chase with an FBI Agent, all the way down to the cocky stare back at them as I ride away.
Also, you get to watch that thing come down and crush all the trash whenever it gets full. I AM IRON MAN. Plus, you never know what you’re gonna find in the trash. I’m not saying I’d dig through the garbage hoping to find a bag full of unmarked cash or someones old collection of Pogs, but I’m not saying I wouldn’t. Is it weird that this is my ideal job? Let’s move on.
9) Fire Fighter: Again with the riding on the truck thing. IT JUST LOOKS SO FUN. Plus everyone is super impressed when you tell them you’re a fire fighter, which I often do. And really, how often does shit catch on fire? I’ve seen fire trucks speeding by me sirens-blaring 1000 times, yet I’ve only ever seen two real fires (which were both AWESOME by the way). I’m pretty sure that 98% of the time they just want to ride on the truck. If I ever got to fight an actual fire, I’d stand outside blasting the hose and pretending I’m a 1920s gangster- I BELIEVE YA, BUT MY TOMMY GUN DON’T!
8 ) ATF Agent: Working for a company called the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms Bureau is automatically AWESOME, even if you just clean bathrooms there. But I would be like Alonzo from Training Day if I worked for them. “A good narcotics agent must know and LOVE narcotics…” There is no telling how many times I would assemble a huge cache of ammunition, pour grain alcohol all over it then flick a lit cigarette and watch it explode. I would probably not be a very good agent.
7) Cruise Ship Bartender: This really needs no explanation.
6) Delivery Driver: As a former delivery driver, I can tell you that that was probably the best job I’ll ever have. And in no way is that depressing. 1) Free food. 2) You get to drive around 85% of the time blasting music 3) Whenever the restaurant gets busy you just pretend you’re making a delivery and leave until it slows down 4) Surprisingly great money- I made $20/hour on average working for a shitty pizza shop. 5) Disputes with asshole customers. These are the best, because I used to drive around all night having fake arguments with customers in my head and PRAYING that one would actually cross me. I was like Alec Baldwin in Glen Gary Glen Ross when it came to disputes with customers. If I was as good at handling objections in sales as I was delivering pizza, I’d probably still be employed.
5) Reality TV Star: Now I’m not talking about fucking Buckwild from Flava of Love. I’m talking the coconuts on The Real World and Road Rules who keep coming back for The Dual, The Inferno and all the other challenge shows. These people truly live the dream- they do absolutely nothing except get hammered and hang out with Johnny Mosely and compete in challenges. You win awesome prizes, stay in a massive house and are surrounded by gorgeous albeit occasionally crazy or emo women. Would I switch lives with C.T. if I had the chance? FUCK and YES.
4) Riot Police: See the RIOTS post for justification, but if a stranger walked up to you tomorrow and told you they’d pay you $50,000 a year to shoot a water cannon at drunk people for a living, would you do it? If you say no you are not my friend.
3) Casino Dealer: I want to be like Bernie Mac in Ocean’s Thirteen. There is NO downside to this job- you get to watch people play cards all day, so you would blatantly get amazing at whatever game you worked- secondary income! You’d probably get to hobnob with celebrities and athletes and mobsters- awesome. You get to work in a goddamn CASINO, which is like a 10 year old being able to work at Chuckie Cheese. And when the time comes, you steal hundreds of millions of dollars of gold bouillon and head to Mexico with George Clooney. Wait, what?
2) Homeless person: Homelessness gets a bad wrap. Sure it’d suck to be homeless somewhere like Haiti, but if you are a homeless person in American city, you’ve got the life and I refuse to believe otherwise. For one, two brothers in Philadelphia lived double lives and pretended to be homeless for years. They made something like $60,000 a year begging for change downtown. So don’t let the misconceptions fool you, homeless people are recession-proof.
They are also given a huge amount of leeway by society because they’re homeless. For one, they’re allowed to drink outside, which is joyous. Two, they can pretty much dress or act however they want in public and no one cares. See, a homeless guy can go to the Inner Harbor wearing nothing but a canary yellow snuggie, drinking malt liquor and screaming that aliens are coming to rape us and it’s no big deal. But when I do the same thing, I’m labeled a “sexual predator” and a “social pariah”. BULLSHIT.
1) Deposed Central American Dictator: Sure homeless people might be living the life, but former dictators are absolutely KILLING IT. They get to wear military camouflage all the time, which is really adorable when you think about- like a former basketball coach who still walks around with a whistle around his neck. They spend their days besmirching the government, smoking cigars, drinking fine tequila and carousing with women- basically a Latino Sean Penn. They always have a bunch of intimidating henchmen with AK47s in case people try to fuck with them, and they can get away with pretty much whatever they want. I can’t even imagine how pissed Noriega is that he’s wasting his prime years in a Miami prison. Sure they probably have the blood of thousands of innocent women and children on their hands, but it’s a small price to pay for a life of luxury and nostalgia. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got a small country to invade, YOU’RE FUCKED, HONDURAS.