NFL Draft preview

I love drafting. Staging arbitrary drafts with friends is honestly probably my favorite thing in the world to do. Past drafts have included WWF wrestlers, True Americans and celebrities who we want to drink with. There’s something about drafting that’s just incredibly thrilling, even if the actual draft has ZERO consequences after it’s over with. If I was an NFL G.M., I would treat these next three days like fucking Christmas, New Year’s and July 4th all in one.  I’d like to picture myself as Barry Pepper in 25th hour, just cooling sitting in the war room like some big swingin dick while everyone around me is freaking out, wheeling and dealing. In real life, the exact opposite would be the case, I’d be giddy as shit, and inevitably trade our first round draft pick for Tatum Bell and three of Big Ben’s rape victims. Either way, drafts are the greatest and I’d perform unspeakable acts to become a draft scout or G.M.I love that the draft got moved to primetime, but it presents a pretty massive challenge tonight from a viewing standpoint. Within a three hour span you’ve got the draft, the Cavs game, the Flyers game, Flash Forward, a new Office and the Lakers-Thunder game. HOW DO I BALANCE? It’s like choosing which child you love the most. I’m going to down green tea and Xanax all night just to keep my emotions in check.

As far as the draft itself goes, there’s a ton of intriguing subplots to consider so here’s my two cents on some of them

-I’m going to name my first child Ndamukong. Suh is not only an absolute beast on the field, but also the fucking man in interviews. It’s always shocking to me when these 300lb savages are eloquent and witty. If I was a GM I’d be a total sucker for large, funny people and would end up drafting Michael Clarke Duncan first overall. Honestly I’m fine with that.

-It’s ironic that the slowest, most decrepit person on the planet (Al Davis) has an obsession with taking speedy, athletic players. It’s amazing that everyone in the NFL just assumes that he’s going to turn into a sociopath on draft day and do something completely off the radar. Last year he used his second round pick on a safety that most people didn’t even think would get drafted. My prediction is that with the 7th overall pick he either drafts Usain Bolt or a german shepherd.

-I think people are fucking nuts for thinking Jimmy Clausen is going to be better than Colt McCoy. I don’t have a ton of facts or analysis except that Clausen is an indisputably huge douche bag and Colt McCoy is the greatest person alive. These are facts, people.

-Tim Tebow is the most intriguing subplot heading into the draft and rightfully so. I just pray that he doesn’t end up with the Pats, where he’ll become a stud and walk on water and tell people how fucking awesome Jesus is in every interview. Hey Tim, no one gives a shit what you think about God, including God. Go hang out with Big Ben and dip your tip in some whores.

Sidenote, I kind of want the Eagles to draft him. Having Tebow and Vick is like having Jacob and fake Locke on the same team. KEVIN KOLB YOU’RE MY CONSTANT.

Draft’s starting in a few minutes so that’s it for me. If the Eagles trade their first round pick to the Cowboys again I’ll off myself.


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