So I had an interview last week for a sales job. It went pretty terribly, as expected, because I was perfect for the job. Every interview I’ve ever had has gone one of two ways: Either I kill the interview and get a job that I am in no way qualified for; or I blow the interview and lose a job for which I was appropriately skilled. Neither of these options are good ones, which is why my resume is about as
scattered and inconsistent as a ransom note from the Zodiac Killer.
Interviews are like the first few weeks of a relationship- people just act the way they think you want them to act and are in no way giving a true representation of themselves. Ever. Am I going to reveal my hatred Pittsburgh or love of Pokemon on the first date? Yes! No.
No one on this planet is 100% truthful during an interview. In fact I’d put the average around 35%. First, just look at the interview scenario itself, it’s completely based on deception. Everything about you is disingenuous. You’re dressed to the nines in an outfit that you probably wouldn’t own if your job didn’t require it. You’re sitting in a seldom-used conference room, at a place you’ve never been to before, talking to people you’ve never met, wearing clothes you never wear…because the company wants to get an idea of who you are? Bollocks. If they really wanted to get a sense of who I was, the interviewer and I would be wearing jorts and watching hilarious Youtube videos for an hour before starting the interview.
The interview questions themselves bother me too. Every interview always kicks off with “Tell me about yourself”. Then I ramble on for an hour about how I graduated college last year and where I worked and that I like to spend time with friends and watch sports in my freetime- SHOCKER. Just once I want to switch it up and give them an answer they’ve never heard before:
“Well I was born in Nairobi and emigrated here during The Sickness eight years ago, since then I paid my way through college by working as a part-time hitman for the Yakuza and smuggling black tar heroin into the country. I graduated at the top of my class and spent the little amount of free time I had nursing injured squirrels back to health and training them to perform circus tricks. So overall I’m just a pretty average, hard-working guy.”
But that question looks downright clairvoyant compared to the “In an ideal world, what would you want to do?” or “If money wasn’t an issue, where would you want to work?”. Now, the right answer here is to say something like, “I’d want to do something that makes me happy and allows me to reach my potential blah, blah, blah…which is why I’m applying for this job today.” BULLSHIT. If I could work anywhere in the world I would be playing point guard next to Lebron in the NBA, not working some shitty entry-level sales job at a boring company that I never heard of until I saw you had an opening.
Here’s my answer to the latter question next interview:
“Well, if money wasn’t an issue I would honestly love to keep working at a place like this for as long as you’d have me. This really is the type of professional environment that I could see myself thriving in for years, and that’s more important to me than money. Although (jokingly) I have to admit that I’d probably take a little time off before I started haha….(Everyone chuckles together with that stupid job-interview fake laugh.”)”
“(Dead serious now) During that time I would compile a team to identify the 64 most ferocious animals in the world, then I would rank them accordingly, set up a bracket like the NCAA tournament and have them fight to the death, until we could truly identify the most deadly and badass animal on the
planet. Then I would train the winning animal to follow me around and protect me from potential muggers or ninjas.”
(Everyone looks shocked) “Oh it’d all be taking place in international waters, don’t worry.”
Hey, ask a tough question, get a tough answer, pal. Don’t blame me.