Give us your tired, your poor and your HOLIDAYS

Today is Cinco de Mayo and apparently no one told Google. Check out their main search page- just the regular Google font. No fireworks, no sombrero on the “G”. They didn’t even take the two seconds needed to fill in the “o”s so they look like burritos!  RACISTS.  Who doesn’t like burritos??? Arizona lawmakers No one. But, as it were, there’s actually a pretty good reason for Google’s use of its patented Buzz Killington font: Cinco de Mayo isn’t a holiday in Mexico. Did I just blow your mind? I did, didn’t I? I just blew your effing mind.

Turns out, only one of Mexico’s 31 states actually celebrates the holiday, which commemorates the Mexicans’ improbable victory over the French in 1862. Apparently it wasn’t THAT improbable though since the holiday is celebrated in Mexico by 8 guys sitting on a corner playing Risk and drinking Dos Equis.  BUT, since Mexico was too busy nerding it up to throw a good party, the United States, in an act of courage and patriotism, took over Cinco de Mayo and turned that heroic victory over the French into $2 coronas and half-priced tacos at every bar in America.

This is, I believe, the greatest accomplishment in American history, and in no way is that an exaggeration. We pulled the unprecedented move of completely stealing commandeering a holiday from another nation. Even Bin Laden has to tip his turban to that move.  So today, all across America, white people will be celebrating a victory in which they had no stake whatsoever by drinking cheap tequila and vomiting corn salsa. And I’m prouuudd to be an American, where at least I know I’m free…”

The only question is, why did we stop at Cinco de Mayo? We need to start identifying the under-celebrated holidays across the globe and seizing them for our own use as national drinking holidays. It’s Manifest Destiny! If I were president, or simply Secretary General of the National Party Planning Committee (a cabinet seat under the Crispino Administration), we’d be celebrating Somalian-Jewish Heritage Day, Tongan Independence Day and tons more holidays that have tragically fallen by the wayside. If necessary, I’ll trade Arbor Day (the poor man’s Earth Day) to any protesting country.

Furthermore, any holiday that honors a victory over another city or country should be commemorated by ignorantly adopting the losing country’s culture for the day. Mexico beat France on Cinco de Mayo, therefore they we should all drink wine, eat escargot, smoke cigarettes and take headbutts to the chest by Zinedine Zidane all day today. Like I said, ignorantly. It’s the only way.

This would up the ante on every holiday (and war for that matter). I should be sipping Chianti with Tony Parker right now, instead I’m eating a taco and blogging. On an unrelated note, if anyone has a strategy for scooping out the delicious corn and chicken that fell out of the shell and into the nooks and crannies of the aluminum foil, I’m all ears . Until then, I’m just going to keep shoveling this rice and tin-shavings salsa into my mouth until I get lockjaw.  Gracias.

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