Group A: South Africa

This whole World Cup business will be taking place on the continent of Africa for the first time ever. In fact, it’s the largest international sporting event to ever take place in Africa.  As a result, skeptics have cast a pall of doubt over South Africa’s ability to host an event of this magnitude without fucking it up. It’s like the Catalina Wine Mixer, and South Africa is Will Ferrell. This thing better go off without a hitch, or else the entire continent is FUCKED and Africa won’t host another event for roughly a thousand years.

Of course, South Africa knows this, which is why they’ve spent well over a billion dollars on stadium construction, transportation and security. And honestly, what else would they spend their money on? It’s not like there’s an AIDS pandemic or the world’s worst crime rate (Convictus!) or a crumbling infrastructure or anything else that they could spend that billion dollars on. Oh there’s all of those things? Yikes.  Oh there’s also that whole apartheid thing that only ended like 15 years ago, and if America’s own history of slavery has taught us ANYTHING it’s that racial tension completely disappears right after you abolish it.

AND OH YEAH, THERE’S ALIENS LIVING THERE. DON’T TRY TO TELL ME THAT DISTRICT 9 WASN’T REAL.  FOOKIN PRAWNS!…But other than all that, South Africa should be fantastic hosts. As for the team itself, here’s the outlook:

Nickname: Bafana Bafana- The Boys, The Boys (Seems redundant if you ask me, we don’t call them the Phillies the Phillies)

Best Player: Steven Pienaar, MF Everton

Outlook: It’s going to be a tough road for Bafana Bafana, who are looking to avoid the dubious honor of being the first World Cup hosts to fail to make it out of the group stage. They’ll have the raucous home crowd as their 12th man, but it will nevertheless be a shock for them to win any of their matches, as they face three very strong opponents in Mexico, Uruguay and France. Defensively, they’re solid, and the team is nothing if not scrappy, however, their main deficiency is an inability to score goals, which in soccer is…kind of important. Things got worse offensively when all-time leading scorer Benni McCarthy (ST, Blackburn), came into camp out of shape and boasting a 24% body fat index, which is slightly less than a flank steak I think. McCarthy was given the axe just 10 days before their opening match against Mexico, much to the disappointment of the South African fans.  Not a great start for a team already in danger.

Famous Citizen: Nelson Mandela/Morgan Freeman. I always get them

Morgan Free-Mandela!

confused, I know one of them is from South Africa. The one who got out of prison after decades in 1994. Oh, got it- http//www.imdb.com/title/tt0111161/ Anyway, props to Nelson for not being named Howie, and for helping Matt Damon win the Ruggers World Cup.  Honorably mention goes to a bizarre string of white people from South Africa including Charlize Theron, Dave Matthews and Ernie Els.
Prediction: 4th place in group, fail to advance past group stage, nation goes batshit when they find out that Wickus Van Der Merwe can fire alien weapons.

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