Group B: Argentina

There are two things you need to know about Argentina going into the World Cup. They have the best player in the world in Lionel Messi, and their coach, Diego Maradona, who is the second best player of all time, is a fucking imbecile. Here are Maradona’s post-playing career qualifications to coach one of the best teams in the world:

-Hardcore Communist supporter and friend of Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez -Owes the Italian government 37 million Euros in back taxes
-Had a 21-year cocaine addiction
-Gained over a hundred pounds in just a couple years until he got his stomach stapled in 2005
-Was an alcoholic and nearly died of hepatitis and alcohol abuse in 2007
-Has been falsely reported dead at least a half dozen times.
-Led his team to its worst defeat in team history, a 6-1 defeat to Bolivia, who didn’t even qualify for the tournament.
-Told members of the media to “suck it and keep on sucking it” after the team qualified for the World Cup and was suspended for two months.

Yes, Maradona single-handedly won the World Cup for Argentina in 1986, but 24 years later, he may become the first person to ever single-handedly lose it for his country as well. From leaving all-world players like Javier Zanetti and Esteban Cambiasso, who co-led Inter Milan to the Champions League title last month, off the World Cup roster to publicly criticizing Messi, Maradona has seemingly done everything in his power to fuck his team’s chances for taking home the title. It’s a shame too, because Argentina may have the most talented side in South Africa, yet their failure seems inevitable.

Nickname: La Albiceleste (The white and sky blue)

Best Player: Lionel Messi, forward, Barcelona

Outlook: This team is absolutely stacked offensively. Not only do that have the greatest player on the planet with a ball at his feet in Messi, but also a bevy of all-world strikers Diego Milito (Inter), Carlos Tevez (Manchester City), Gonzalo Higuain (Real Madrid) and Sergio Aguero (Atletico Madrid). If Maradona wasn’t such a fucking ponce, he might be able to find a way to put three or even four of these maestros on the pitch simultaneously. The midfield is highlighted by Liverpool duo Javier Mascherano and Maxi Rodriguez, whose extra time volley to beat Mexico may have been the best goal of the 2006 World Cup.
Defensively, they have great individual talent from players like Gabriel Heinze (Marseille), Walter Samuel (Inter) and Martin Dimichelis (Bayern Munich). The problem with Argentina isn’t personnel, it’s that they lack a consistent gameplan and style of play, thanks to Maradona. His tactical leadership was so poor during qualification that players were rumored to have waited until after he left the locker room at halftime to then make positional adjustments themselves. To make matters worse, while other teams are playing warm-up matches this week to get ready for the tournament, Argentina has scheduled none. In fact, they’ve played just two games in the last three months…against Canada and fucking Haiti.

Most Famous Citizen: Maradona. He is the most dynamic and exciting player of all time, with the possible exception of Pele. He scored the most iconic goal in soccer history. His one-man march to the 1986 title, including his epic Hand of God goal to beat England in the final, may be the impressive accomplishment in the history of team sports.  I pray that I’m wrong about his coaching inabilities and that he’s able to lead this team deep into the tournament; however, if they come up short, he needs to get back on the booze and blow and stay the fuck away from this team.

Prediction: If Argentina’s unbelievably talented players, especially Messi, can manage to unfuck everything Maradona does, then I think they can make it to a dream Finals match-up against one of their two most hated rivals, Brazil or England. At the very least, a thrilling semi-final match against Spain would be in the works. Sadly, I think a quarterfinal loss to Serbia or Germany is more likely.

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