Speaking of oil spills, I think those bastards at British Petroleum should be forced to marinate all of their food in oil fondue until they (or the Mexicans) figure out how to cap that shit. Even if the animals look kind of badass when they’re all black and sticky, it’s still bad for them, and worse for me. The first time I order shrimp cocktail and am told they don’t have any because the oil spill killed all the shrimp, I swear to Christ I’m flying straight to England to punch every one of those Limey fucks in the face.
As we count down the hours until our huge match against the Brits on Saturday, I want to be clear on something: FUCK England and everything in it. Fuck English Muffins, fuck Coldplay, Noel and Liam Gallagher, bangers and mash, breakfast tea, Bill Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, Agatha Christie, Henry the Eighth, Stonehenge, Sergeant Pepper, Christian Bale, Harry Potter, Hugh Laurie, Jack the Ripper, Bobby Moore, Lilly Allen and Big Ben (BOTH OF EM). They can all die in a fire. And while we’re at it, fuck Stephen Hawking. Stop pretending you’re a fucking robot. No one gives a shit about your mindfuck history of time or that the universe is expanding or that you fantasize about binary code. Stop beating it to supernovas and go roll into a black hole you fucking wanker.
What makes Saturday’s match even better is that the English national team is loaded with deplorable characters who inevitably fuck up every World Cup. The country that invented soccer (debatable) feels that it is its destiny to win the cup every four years, yet with the exception of 1966, they ALWAYS manage to fuck that up. They’re like Cleveland, if Cleveland’s entire population consisted of insufferable, uppity cunts. For starters, Wayne Rooney looks like a Neanderthal and has the self-discipline of Ron Artest, as shown in the 2006 World Cup when he got a red card in their tournament-ending loss to Portugal. After Frank Lampard split with his fiance, he sent her and his two children to live in a small apartment while he converted their family home into a bachelor pad. If that’s not enough, 24 hours after the 9/11 attacks, Lampard and John Terry mocked and berated American citizens in a London hotel. Yeah, FUCK THEM. Terry also had an affair with his best friend and teammate Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend, just months after being named U.K.’s “Dad of the Year”. Stephen Gerrard and two of his boys got arrested last year for beating the piss out of a DJ at a bar because he wouldn’t play a song they requested. Beckham’s a cunt. Rio Ferdinand, the English captain who just last week injured his knee and will miss the World Cup, once appeared in a sex tape with Lampard and another teammate (circle jerk!), got a DUI before a big international match, has been suspended for skipping a drug test, lost his license four different times AND called a radio host a “faggot” live on air. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN YOUR 2010 ENGLISH NATIONAL TEAM! Yeah…fuck ’em.
Nickname: The Three Lions
Best Player: Wayne Rooney, ST, Manchester United
Outlook: As much as I hope that half this team gets gored by rhinos in South Africa, they are indeed extremely good. Rooney just finished the best season of his professional career, scoring 34 goals in 44 games. Lampard and Gerrard are two of the best central midfielders in the game and are a threat to score at all times. The biggest questions offensively remain who their second striker will be and how the men on the wings will play. They have a few options up top to play off Rooney but don’t be surprised if they play just one striker and use Gerrard as a forward, where he is proven and dangerous. Joe Cole, Aaron Lennon and Shaun Wright-Phillips are among the options on the wings and all are equally skilled, yet equally inconsistent.
The team suffered a huge blow with the loss of Ferdinand and his absence will leave them vulnerable in central defense. Terry may be the Antichrist, but he’s also one of the best center backs in the world. Ashley Cole got owned by Landon Donovan while he was on loan with Everton earlier this year and Glen Johnson is a gifted offensive fullback, but he’s looked very shaky defensively of late. As always, England has no fucking clue who their goalie is and if he’s going to be able to save a goddamn thing.
Most Famous Citizen: Simon Cowell. Like England’s team, Cowell is a pretentious dick, but he is very talented at what he does. The only difference is that Cowell’s shows are actually successful while the national team shits the bed more often than Stephan Hawking. “Successful” doesn’t even do it justice for Cowell though, because everything that man touches turns to absolute gold. Britain’s Got Talent, America’s Got Talent, American Idol, and now the forthcoming X Factor- they’re all successful beyond comprehension, but here’s the thing: THEY’RE ALL THE SAME SHOW. HOW DOES NO ONE SEE THIS?! IT’S JUST A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES GETTING TROTTED OUT ON STAGE IN FRONT OF A GIDDY AUDIENCE AND A COUPLE INEPT JUDGES…ONE SHOW! DIFFERENT NAMES! WAKE UP AMERICA. I’m 100% convinced that Simon Cowell sold his soul to Satan ten years ago. I mean Christ, he turned Susan Boyle into an international sensation and she looks like a fucking Tolkien character. If that’s not proof I don’t know what is.
Prediction: The unfortunate truth is that England will, in all likelihood, beat the U.S. and win its group. Should we somehow get a win on Saturday, it would immediately become the greatest win for U.S. Soccer since 1950. Even if we don’t pull off the W, we’ll still have the joy of watching England crush the hearts and dreams of their countrymen by bowing out before the Final, most likely to Brazil in the Semis.