Group C: Algeria

If you ever wondered what you’d get if France and Sudan had a baby, look no further than Algeria. Unsurprisingly, this baby is ill-tempered and NEVER wears deodorant. The Algerian national team has a penchant for losing its cool, as it did earlier this year against rival Egypt, when it had three players sent off and lost by 4. That set off a five-game span going into the World Cup in which they’ve been outscored 10-2. Not good. That being said, they surprised nearly everyone during qualification and showed that they can be a tough out as they played gritty defense.

But just qualifying for the World Cup has been an enormous national achievement, one that coach Rabah Saadane called Algeria’s proudest moment since it gained independence in 1962. Saadane, once again, the HEAD COACH, went on to say, “To make it to the second round would be startling”. Not exactly Pacino’s “Game of Inches” speech in Any Given Sunday. It gets better, after qualifying for the Cup, Algeria’s Soir d’Algerie newspaper wrote “Algeria is no longer terrorism, illegal immigration, and social misery. It is finally a country which can haul itself up among the ranks of the great nations of the world.” That is the most backhanded compliment I have ever seen.

Nickname: The Desert Foxes. BEWARE! A shy, sometimes rabid 30-pound monster that can go for days without rehydrating!

Best Player: Nadir Belhadj, LB, Portsmouth

Outlook: The offense is led by Rafik Saifi, a 35-year old striker who plays in Qatar. Not a good sign. In fact, Algeria is regarded as possibly having the worst strikers in the tournament. Joining Saifi are two guys who sit on benches in the Premier League, Hameur Bouazza (Blackpool) and Kamel Ghilas (Hull City).  Belhadj may be their best offensive and defensive player and is known for being a dynamic playmaker and an aggressive defender. The teams leading scorer (with three!) is Antar Yahia, a center back, which makes no fucking sense. Against the United States, they’ll likely play physical and will stack the defense, which could be a problem if the US needs to make up points in goal differential.

Most Famous Citizen: Zinedine Zidane. That’s right, one of the greatest soccer players of ALL TIME is from Algeria. In fact, tons of great French players have left the Desert Foxes when they were young to join Les Bleus. This absolutely has to be the biggest cock tease in the history of soccer. We’re tortured in the U.S. by Jersey-born Giuseppe Rossi’s decision to play for Italy, and he’s not even that good! This is ZIDANE, who once said, PUBLICLY mind you, “I am an Algerian first and then a Frenchman.” THANKS, DICK. THEY’LL BE SURE TO KEEP THAT IN MIND THAT WHEN THEY’RE LOSING 2-0 TO FUCKING TUNISIA. Zidane is a cocksucker and he needs to get headbutted in the chest by a unicorn.

Prediction: In all likelihood, Algeria will get smoked by England, maybe tie Slovenia, and lose to the U.S. Then their country will go back to being “terrorism, illegal immigration, and social misery”. No pressure, guys.


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