Group E: Netherlands

True story, my family almost moved to the Netherlands for two years when I was like 7 because of my Mom’s job. I was horrified at the time, because I thought the Netherlands was just windmills and fat kids named Klaus who wore wooden shoes and ate fine chocolate all day. Of course, I can see now that that notion was offensive and simply mistaken…obviously I was thinking of Austria, not Netherlands.  But looking back I kind of wish we did move there for a while, because Netherlands is fucking bizarre and I wish I could have done some investigating.

The Dutch are shifty, it’s tough to get a read on them, I think that’s because the whole country is like ninety miles underwater or something like that. On one hand, you have Amsterdam which seems like the coolest place on Earth, but I don’t know, I think I’d either be dead or bankrupt if I spent more than 25 minutes there. In real life Amsterdam is probably less like Vegas and more like Hamsterdam from The Wire. On the other hand, the Dutch do a lot of cool stuff with science and sociology and medicine.  They’re always ranked among the happiest and most cutting edge societies. And yes, they were home to Anne Frank, one of the most inspiring people of the 20th century. BUT, they were also home to the cocksucker who dimed out Anne Frank, which no one ever talks about. You have this 90-pound 14-year old girl writing about the goodness of mankind, living off pencil shavings and cat piss, and some fucking douche-cannon felt the need to snitch on her to fucking Johan the Nazi scout. If there’s any justice in the afterlife, that piece of shit is getting pounded out by an insatiable hell-beast with a strap-on the size of Anne Frank’s typewriter for all of eternity.

Netherlands has always been like the Phoenix Suns of soccer, they’re incredibly entertaining to watch, they have some of the best players on Earth, but they win fuck-all. But if you’re going to watch one team in the World Cup, watch the Dutch, just do it early in the tournament. In the 2008 Euros, they looked unstoppable, destroying France and Italy by a combined 7-1, then they promptly shit the bed as only they can and lost to fucking Russia. Their aesthetically-pleasing play stems from two factors- Netherlands is home to some of the most brilliant minds in the history of soccer and they are the inventors of Total Football, a style in which any player on the pitch can move to any position, which promotes fluidity and structure.  But the Dutch, like their fans back in Amsterdam, seem to be having too good a time to give a shit when they inevitably lose to a lesser team, they’re too hopped up on quaaludes and pot brownies to even notice. In all likelihood, the script will play itself out once again in South Africa, but for arguments sake, we’ll pretend for now that they’re the Cup contenders that the should be.

Nickname: Oranje (Dutch people fucking love the color orange to the point that it’s just weird).

Best Player: Wesley Sneijder, attacking midfielder, Inter Milan

Outlook: Sneijder will be the man behind the curtain on an offense stacked with talent. He might be the best player in the world right now after leading Inter to the Champions League title last month. Joining him will be Arsenal’s Robin Van Persie,  Bayern Munich’s Arjen Robben (who is recovering from injury) and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar (AC Milan). They’ll likely be the starting trio of strikers, a unique Dutch tactic, but Liverpool duo Dirk Kuyt and Ryan Babel could see time up top as well, especially in relief of Robben while he recovers. Hamburg winger Eljero Elia, a 23-year old newcomer, could also step in and be a wildcard on offense. The midfield will be led by Sneijder and Rafael Van der Vart (Real Madrid) and defensive midfielder Mark van Bommel (Bayern Munich).
Defense is always a question for the Dutch, especially now that Man U goalie Edwin Van der Sar has retired from international play. Their back four are solid though and their speed can neutralize opposing counter-attacks. Their starters should be captain Giovanni Van Bronckhorst (Feyernoord), John Heitinga (Everton), Andre Ooijer (PSV Eindhoven) and Joris Mathijsen (Hamburg). Maarten Stelelenburg (Ajax) is a rather pedestrian goalkeeper and his confidence can’t be high since reports have surfaced that manager Bert van Marwijk begged the 39 year-old Van der Sar to come out of retirement.

Most Famous Citizen: Joran van der Sloot. This fuckin guy. He somehow gets away with killing Natalie Holloway but does everything possible to make him self look like a prolific douchebag along the way. Then, he goes back on vacation to a different tropical resort on the five-year anniversary of her murder (to the DAY). He’s like Bill Buckner walking back into fucking Shea Stadium on the anniversary of his error. If I’m in his shoes, on the plane ride there all I’m doing is repeating “Don’t kill anyone, don’t kill anyone, don’t kill anyone” to myself the entire fucking time.Then what does he do, HE KILLS SOMEONE. Allegedly he did it because she Googled him when he left to get coffee and saw all the Natalie Holloway shit…well, YEAH. HOW IS THAT SURPRISING? You’re known for one thing and one thing only, you’re a fucking one-trick pony, of course she’s gonna be like “Van der Sloot…Van der Sloot, that sounds familiar, I think he’s that guy from the third season of American Idol, let me check, Van der…OH FUCK.”  Well hope it was worth it, JORAN, cause Peruvian prison makes the American prison look like a fucking resort, and NOT THE KIND YOU KILL PEOPLE AT. Have fun eating roach tacos, bunking with 8 dudes named Manuel and Jorge in a shit-filled cell and getting bukkake’d every day for the next THIRTY YEARS. You’re a long way from Amsterdam, cocksucker.

Prediction: I think the Dutch will win their tough group, but a likely quarterfinal match against Brazil should likely see the end of L’Oranje.


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