No time for chit-chat, let’s get down to brass tax:
Bengals 23, Browns 20- And the Bengals win the Battle of Ohio! Congratulations, Cincy, your supremacy over your in-state rivals reigns for another year. Now all Cleveland has left to hang on to is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Anderson Varejao. That’s a depressing thought. I’ve been to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and it is wildly unimpressive. It’s like an exorbitantly priced Hard Rock Café that you have to drive nine hours to get to. But to its credit, it does have lots of interesting facts, interviews and videos of concerts, so in that sense it’s only a close second to “anywhere with Internet access”. Speaking of depressing Ohio cities, is there a worst place to be from in America right now than Sandusky, Ohio?
AJ Green has to be Rookie of the Year right? Despite great coverage from Joe Haden, a premier if obscure cornerback, Green had catches for 24, 35 and 51 yards. The Bengals’ entire passing game is pretty much AJ Green, which is why it’s no surprise that the Bengals lost both games when he was out for two weeks. In fairness those games were against the Ravens and Steelers, but Green’s gamebreaking ability changes the entire dynamic of the Bengals offense. He averages an unreal 17 yards per reception and can rise above double coverage to snag deep balls out of the air, as he did against Troy Polamalu and Ryan Clark before getting injured against the Steelers. On Sunday, the Bengals were facing third and 8 with 90 seconds to play in a tie game. Dalton heaved a deep ball into blanketing coverage but Green elevated over Haden and another defender to snag it at the Cleveland seven-yard line. Four plays later, the Bengals kicked the game-winning chip-shot field goal.
Cam Newton may have shown some jaw-dropping talent this season, but he’s struggled lately, he makes a ton of mistakes and his team’s only wins have come against the Jaguars, Redskins and Colts. Sure he’s had a few beautiful 400-yard games, but you would still be hard-pressed to argue that he’s one of the top 15 quarterbacks in the league right now. Green meanwhile is indisputably one of the best receivers in the NFL right now. According to Football Outsiders, Green ranks behind only Wes Welker, Calvin Johnson, Greg Jennings, Jordy Nelson and Mike Wallace this year in receiving value. That’s it. And unlike those guys, he has Andy Dalton throwing to him and the next best weapon on his offense is Cedric two-yards-per-carry Benson. Newton may go on to become an elite quarterback, but AJ Green has already established himself as one of only a handful of legitimate game-changing playmakers in the NFL, and for that alone the Bengals’ receiver deserves to be this season’s Rookie of the Year.
Packers 27, Lions 15- Games like this are exactly what the NFL needs for its Thursday night matchups- a rivalry game between good teams who play in relatively close proximity to each other. Not to get all Peter King on you, but what exactly was the NFL thinking when it made its Thursday Night Football matchups? Three of the first four games featured a team traveling cross-country to play on four-days rest. Two weeks ago, the Jets played the Sunday night game in New Jersey then immediately flew out to Denver to prepare for Tebowmania. The 49ers flew 3,000 miles to play Baltimore on Thursday night and now the Eagles travel to the Pacific Northwest to play the Seahawks this Thursday. Generally, I think the travel narrative is fairly overstated in the NFL, but the short-rest aspect of Thursday night games is not. Not only does a team have to prepare a game-plan in under 96 hours, but they also have to spend seven or eight of those hours traveling across the country and adjust to the jet-lag. I understand why they did it for the Har-bros’ Thanksgiving game, but the rest of the Thursday night games should really be local rivalries like Packers-Lions, which are more interesting than two teams with little-to-no history between them anyway. Fortunately, the short week doesn’t really affect the Eagles, because that would imply that Andy Reid has an actual game-plan and not just an anarchic series of calls and timeouts designed to confuse fans and injure his players.
Saints 49, Giants 24- Did you know the Saints have a defensive end named Turk McBride? That sounds like he should be the he’s the shoot-first cop who plays by his own rules in a Guy Ritchie movie (played by Bruce Willis, or Michael Madsen). That’s just a fantastic name, but is it the best name in the NFL? Well here’s his competition:
Mister Alexander- LB, Houston Texans- Yes, Mister is actually his first name…and it COMMANDS your respect.
Captain Munnerlyn- CB, Carolina Panthers- The Mister Alexander of the high seas! Captain Munnerlyn sounds like a Saturday morning cartoon host.
C.J. Ah You- DE, St. Louis Rams- I can’t tell if I should pronounce his name with disappointment or excitement. He’s the only person in the NFL whose name requires more punctuation, not less. Right Da’Quan and D’Brickshaw?
Zoltan Mesko- Punter, Patriots- Fun fact: When he’s not practicing punts, Zoltan spends his free time preaching to his white-robed cult followers about their impending return to planet Zontar.
Ras-I Dowling- CB, New England Patriots- Solely because he reminds me of Ken Wantanabe/Liam Neeson. JUSTICE IS BALANCE.
NaVorro Bowman- LB, San Francisco 49ers- I have no joke, this name is just aweome. The only way to make this name any better is if you roll the R’s in NaVorro.
Mike Cox- FB, Atlanta Falcons- Make a pun outta that name, Berman. I dare you.
Guy Whimper- OT, Jacksonville Jaguars- He sounds like a manic-depressive local weatherman.
Roy Lewis- CB, Seattle Seahawks- All the Seahawks need are Ned Reed and Darrell Suggs and they’ll have the greatest doppelganger defense of all time.
Kregg Lumpkin- RB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Everything about his name suggests he should live in the Land of Oz.
Golden Tate- WR, Seattle Seahawks- Twas an ambitious parent who named their child Golden. That or they are somehow related to Masta P.
Nick Novak, Max Starks, Nick Fairley- These three really should be the names of superhero alter-egos in a Marvel book. “By day, Nick Novak walks the streets of San Diego like any other average citizen. By night, he is THE PEEING CHARGER!”
Jets 28, Bills 24- I’m not sure which of those names is best, although I must admit I can’t think about the name Mister Alexander without laughing. I do, however know who has the worst name in the NFL:
Usama Young– Safety, Cleveland Browns- Fun fact: Oh that is unfortunate. Young’s website introduces him as “Super Bowl XLIV Champion Usama Young”, not, say, “A Member of the Super Bowl XLIV Champion New Orleans Saints”. No, no, Usama Young and his one tackle won Super XLIV- suck it, Drew Brees.
The site also features a great section called “Meet Usama”, which I clicked on, and now I’m pretty sure the NSA is tapping my phone. Anyway, I’ll gladly accept my status as the newest member of the No-Fly List because this section offered some phenomenal Usama Young trivia. For example, under favorite movies he listed “The Program and Aladin (sic)”, which, wow, could not be any more opposite. Presumably his next two favorite movies are Letters from Iwo Jima and Encino Man. Later, Young says that the person he’d most like to meet is…David Blaine. Why? Because “maybe he’ll tell me how he pulls off those crazy tricks of his.” Really? You’re passing on Jesus or Steve Jobs or Martin Luther King because a creepy magician whose show got cancelled will “MAYBE” show you how to do fake magic? If it was up to Usama Young, the Super Bowl XLIV Champion would have gone to Criss Angel’s house instead of the White House. Hank Williams would be proud. The very last thing he writes on the page, in the “plans for the future” section, is that he will be an All-Pro cornerback. That’s interesting, because, the very first answer he gave to this self-administered questionnaire was that his position is safety, not corner. It appears that somewhere between “Aladin” and David Blaine, Mr. Young had an existential dilemma and decided that he should switch positions, but not re-read his own answers. The man is a fountain of entertainment and I wish nothing but the best for Usama…man that sounds bad.
Panthers 27, Colts 19- Quarterbacks who threw passes on Sunday: Curtis Painter, Tyler Palko, Matt Leinart, John Skelton, Blaine Gabbert, Luke McCown, Colt McCoy, T.J. Yates, Caleb Hanie, Tim Tebow, Vince Young, and an injured Tavaris Jackson. When the smoke had cleared, SEVENTEEN quarterbacks threw for less than 200 yards. The next time someone suggests to you that the regular season should expand to 18 games, do the world a favor and punch that person in the face.
Cardinals 23, Rams 20- Well, the Cardinals’ quarterback debate ended rather abruptly. I guess that will happen when one of the two contenders somehow parlays 26 drop backs against the worst defense in the league into four first downs, 106 net yards, two interceptions and three sacks. In case you need reminding, that’s the same human being who threw for 300-yards and three touchdowns against the Eagles three weeks ago. Of course, even a jaw-droppingly bad performance from John Skelton wasn’t enough to stop the Rams from embarrassing themselves. Beanie Wells had 229 rushing yards and Patrick Peterson had a crucial punt-return TD against St. Louis for the second time this month. That touchdown was Peterson’s fourth of the year, tying the single season record and putting him 18th all time in punt return touchdowns. He has played exactly 11 NFL games.
Texans 20, Jaguars 13-Hey here’s an idea, let’s draft a quarterback 10th overall, give him four weeks to learn the playbook, cut the starting quarterback three days before the season starts, surround him with talentless receivers and a bad offensive line, give him a lame-duck coach who clearly doesn’t care anymore, then bet $35 million that it all works out. Nice job Jacksonville, instead of letting Gabbert spend a season learning from a veteran and adjusting to the NFL, you’ve thrown him into a scenario that will result in nothing but losses, injuries and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Impressive. Looking at the Jacksonville roster, I literally don’t know how they managed to spend $100 million dollars on that roster. For starters, they might have one of the worst receiving corps of all time. Mike Sims-Walker got cut by the RAMS and immediately became a starter for the Jaguars. Their best receiving option is tight-end Marcedes Lewis, who’s been in the league for 6 years still averages only 2.3 catches per game. Not to mention, even the most hardcore NFL fans would struggle to name three players on their defense. Seriously, what did they spend all their money on? They must have given Maurice Jones-Drew like $80 million a year because that’s the only way I can see how they reached the league minimum payroll. They’ve also invested, what, eight years waiting for Jack Del Rio to suddenly become a good coach? He so clearly mailing it in this season it’s insane. It’s like he’s doing everything he can to get fired but still keep his unemployment benefits. (Edit: The plan worked to perfection! Del Rio was fired on Tuesday- hooray!)
As for the Texans, poor Matt Leinart. He finally got his chance to start and his collarbone was promptly snapped after just 13 passes. Poor guy. Now all he has going for him are nine months of “rehab” in Malibu, $23 million in career earnings, good looks, Reggie Bush and Nick Lachey on speed-dial and a never-ending line of gullible whores who believe him when he tells them he’s an NFL starting quarterback. Matt Leinart is the 99%.
Now that the Texans are left with something called a T.J. Yates as their only quarterback, they’ve brought in a bunch of veterans to try and fill their considerable offensive void. This means it could be time for the return of GARCIA MANIA
(Edit: They signed Jake Delhomme. Shit.)
Raiders 25, Bears 20- Oh Caleb Hanie was exactly as bad as we feared. His final numbers- 50% completion percentage with three interceptions, four sacks and six passes defended. watch?v=cHkPJyw_0dk He also pulled that “Fake spike, fake throw to a receiver who is standing still at the line, fake being a competent NFL quarterback, real spike three seconds later but that’s still a fake spike because that’s actually intentional grounding and now the game is over.”
Now it’s not often that punts impress me. In fact, that’s never once been the case until Sunday when Shane Lechler and his robo-leg sent the ball sailing 20-yards over Devin Hester’s head in the fourth quarter. watch?v=tjA8OUX_F30
The Raiders have a punter who can boot the ball 80-yards, a first-round drafted kicker called Sea Bass who boots 57-yarders like it ain’t nothing and a kick returner/All-American sprinter who ran the second fastest 40-time in NFL history. It’s like they’ve assembled the NFL version of The Avengers, only if Nick Fury was a senile 90-year old and he wagered his team’s success on a lethargic, 300-pound, codeine addicted version of Tony Stark.
Red Bryant, who is not, in fact, a 1930s H-back but rather a defensive end for the Seahawks in modern times, blocked two kicks in this game which brought his season total up to four, which appears to put him tied for second in league history. If the league ever expands its game-day roster to 53 players, I wonder if a team would sign someone specifically to block field goals. Punts are a little different because you can pretty much only block them by rushing off the edge, but tell me Dwight Howard couldn’t block 10 field goals or extra points a year by running up the middle and jumping as high as he can (which is like, 18 feet I think). Plus you could use him to defend Hail Marys and end-zone fades to the Dez Bryants and Calvin Johnsons of the world. The first coach to do that would be ridiculed in the media for it until Week 1 when his newly signed giant swatted a field goal 20 yards back and wagged his finger in the kicker’s face. God that’d be amazing. Of course someone of Howard’s caliber would never do that, but maybe Hasheem Thabeet has a future in professional sports after all!
Tavaris Jackson threw for only 144 yards on 30 attempts, but give him credit for playing with a torn pectoral muscle which must make it awfully painful to throw. In an unrelated story Charlie Whitehurst, though healthy as a horse, remained a less favorable option than an injured Tavaris Jackson. I hope Charlie’s secretly stuffing his “gym bag” with towels and office supplies, because this is clearly his last season playing professional football.
Patriots 38, Eagles 20- Vince Young’s primary receiver on most plays is the grass three-to-five feet in front of his receiver, so in that sense, his completion percentage was 85% on Sunday. Young and Mark Sanchez had a compelling battle on Sunday for who could put up the more misleading stat line. While Sanchez had four touchdown passes on an otherwise brutal day, Young accounted for 440 yards of offense (400 passing), yet he threw 22 incompletions and picked up most of his yards after the Eagles were down two or three scores. Now, in the NFL it’s generally presumed that if you’re not an accurate passer, then you can at least run the ball. Vince Young can do neither. Young was tackled in the open field at the two-yard line by wide-receiver Julian Edelman, which led to a turnover on downs. For the record, Vince Young is 6’6”, 235lbs and Edelman looks like Danny Woodhead’s kid brother. Oh and then this happened:
FACT the Patriots’ slot receiver is a better tackler than 90% of the Eagles’ defense.
After seeing how the Steelers, Jets and Giants contained Wes Welker by pressing him at the line using their top corner to cover him in the slot, Juan Castillo decided to do…the exact opposite. That brilliant strategy resulted in eight catches for 115 yards and two touchdowns for the NFL’s top receiver. On Welker’s game-breaking 2nd quarter touchdown, the Eagles blitzed with Welker’s cover-man, Joselio Hanson, leaving safety Nate Allen to cover him one-on-one, which went about as well as you’d expect. Both Hanson and Allen somehow fell for a play-action fake to Danny Woodhead and abandoned their already half-baked assignments. Look, the case against Juan Castillo is open-and-shut. He’s awful, and he should have stuck to coaching the offensive line. Although, what does it tell you about the impact of Castillo’s previous job when the Eagles replaced him with a drunken, homeless-looking version of the Dos Equis Guy.
It’s maddening to think that these teams played each other in the Super Bowl a mere seven years ago. With two minutes to go, the Eagles were driving, looking to take home the first Lombardi trophy in franchise history and give Philadelphia its first championship in over 20 years. Then Donovan McNabb realized this fact and started vomiting and throwing passes to Teddy Bruschi and that was that. Since the moment the Patriots defense threw down their gauntlet and McNabb threw up his omelet, things have never been the same. Well, they have for the Patriots, because they have competent human beings running their franchise. But seven years later, the Eagles still haven’t gotten back to that level of success, which I why I honor Andy Reid by jamming my fingers down my throat every time he calls a time out and projectile vomiting all over my James Thrash jersey.
Broncos 16, Chargers 13- The Tebow comeback thing has to start having some intimidation effect on opposing defenses doesn’t it? When the fourth quarter strikes, you know the opposing sideline has to be thinking, “Jesus don’t let this happen to us.” It has to have some effect, I mean, Nick Novak literally pissed himself on the field when the clock struck Tebow on Sunday. I’d imagine it’s like what teams would feel with four minutes left against the Bulls with Jordan…only if Jordan spent the first three and a half quarters launching open jump shots over the shot clock.
The Broncos cut ways with Kyle Orton, and only a mere 10 weeks after they could have traded him to the Dolphins for a draft pick. Well played, Denver. I guess they figured he could have helped Tebow adjust to life as a starting quarterback; that is, until he spent the games packing lips and incredulously telling a teammate ““He was f*cking wide open” 15 times a game.
I can’t really blame Orton for any of it though. Last year, he weathered the Josh McDaniels storm, ignored the incessant calls for Tebow, and finished ahead of Aaron Rodgers and Matt Schaub in passing yards per game and interception rate. That’s not to say that he’s some great quarterback, but he was dealt a pretty awful hand in Denver and did about as well as one could expect. He had one above average weapon on offense, Brandon Lloyd, and helped turn him into the NFL’s leading receiver. Yet he was benched at the end of the year to give Tebow a chance, then got booed every time he stepped out on the practice field during training camp and had to learn a new system under John Fox during a short offseason even though it appeared he was going to be traded. He went through all of that just to spend his season futilely trying to teach a tight end who takes five seconds to throw a ball how to do a good job replacing him? I’m quite confident that I’d spend the games drinking vodka-Gatorades and smoking cigars and heckling Tebow from the sidelines if I were in that position. Of course, just when it looked like Orton would get his shot at redemption by being picked up by the Bears or the Texans, the stupid Chiefs came along and snagged him off waivers, which makes NO sense. Todd Haley just probably thought it’d be fun to spite Josh McDaniels, only he was too busy blasting Whitesnake and peeling out of high school parking lots to realize that McDaniels is no longer the Broncos coach. Poor Kyle Orton.
Steelers 13, Chiefs 9- The Chiefs ran a fake punt in this game in which they sent the kicker in motion prior to the snap…uh, you’re doing it wrong Todd Haley.
While this game was insufferable, it was still infinitely more palatable than when Bob Costas went full-Rooney for his weekly halftime snarkathon. Below is the video, followed by a personal commentary on his personal commentary:
“For those of you too busy keeping up with the Kardashians to notice…”
-Yeah, Bob, the same people who follow Kim Kardashian also enjoy unwatchable Chiefs-Steelers games. Exact same target audience. Way to start off strong.
“we live in a culture that grows more stupid and graceless by the moment.”
-“We didn’t have graceless Kardashians in my day. We had cultural icons and role models like Howard Hughes and Ted Kennedy and Robert Wagner.
“Sports both reflects and influences that sorry trend”
–“Ty Cobb would have never stood for Prince Fielder’s showboating. He also would have never stood for Prince Fielder’s right to suffrage”.
“so on playing fields everywhere, true style is in decline, while mindless exhibitionism abounds”
-How dare these games, these weekly competitions of testosterone and physical prowess, be tainted by mindless exhibitionism!
“It’s probably too much to expect that most players would appreciate that back in the day, this guy (Barry Sanders) was much cooler than this guy (Mark Gastineau)”.
-I’m curious as to which “day” this alleged coolness ranking took place since Gastineau and Sanders never actually played in the league at the same time. This point also makes no sense because Gastineau and his “New York Sack Exchange” were revered during the early ‘80s. Gastineau’s legacy was tarnished by his multiple arrests, his admission of steroid use, and the fact that he was the only Jets player to immediately cross the picket line during the 1987 players’ strike, not because he celebrated too much.
“Or that there is a difference between spontaneous and/or good-natured displays of enthusiasm and calculated displays of obnoxious self-indulgence.”
-Players take note: For an example of a good natured display of enthusiasm, watch Aaron Rodgers. For an example of a calculated display of obnoxious self-indulgence, watch Bob Costas.
“So our suggestion here is a more modest one: Hey, knuckleheads, is it too much to ask that you confine your buffoonery to situations that don’t directly damage your team?”
-Only in Bob Costas’ world does calling people knuckleheads and declaring their actions buffoonery qualify as “modest”.
“Week after week, game after game, we see guys who think nothing of incurring penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct, costing their teams valuable yardage, even late in close games.”
-This dubious overstatement honestly makes me question how much football Costas actually watches. Excessive celebration penalties do not, in fact, occur “game after game” as Costas’ “get-off-my-lawn” crusade would lead you to believe. It’s okay though cause he backs it up with one piece of anecdotal evidence, which is enough for a conviction in Bob Costas’ courtroom.
“Today’s most conspicuous culprit: Buffalo’s Stevie Johnson, who after a TD catch versus the Jets, thought it would be a good idea to go Marcel Marceau,”
-Bob Costas’ imaginary target audience: Fans of Keeping up with the Kardashians, people who watch awful Sunday Night Football games, and those who appreciate condescending mime references.
“pantomiming, among other things, Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg. But in this case, it was Johnson who shot himself in the foot,”
-Ohhhh snap! DO YOU GET IT??
“as his display cost his team a 15-yard penalty on the ensuing kickoff. And given a short field, the Jets proceeded to score in a critical game that wound up 28-24, New York.”
-Here’s the part where Costas conveniently forgets to mention that the Bills kicker almost completely missed the ball on the kickoff and tapped it 10 yards off the side of his foot. That might have had something to do with the field position.
“Which raises this question: Where are the coaches in all this? Guys are routinely benched or called out for blown assignments. When is a coach going to make an overdue statement…”
-“Besides the two times Andy Reid has done it to DeSean Jackson in the last three weeks, name one!”
“… and sit a guy down on the grounds of pure selfishness and unprofessionalism detrimental to his team?”
-“Coaches, how could you silently swallow your values and turn a blind eye to injustice in order to further your own self-serving cause…Tune in next week when I shamelessly give a national audience and a microphone to an accused child molester!”
“By the way, late in the loss to the Jets, Johnson dropped a pass that could have led to a Buffalo win. Shockingly, he didn’t follow it with a rehearsed “my bad” dance of apology. Maybe he just forgot.”
–You can almost see the smugness and self-satisfaction dripping out his mouth as he says that. Now, in these types of situations I would typically caution that it’s a long fall off your high horse, but for the diminutive Costas, I guess it’s more of a short tumble off your medium-sized Great Dane.
Titans 23, Bucs 17- . This game was awful, but not quite as awful as this music video from Stanley from the Office.
Cowboys 20, Dolphins 19- Well, so much for the DeMarco Murray/Felix Jones debate. Murray was the only Cowboy to run the ball on Thanksgiving, getting 22 carries to go with four receptions for a total of 128 yards. DeMarco Murray is like Jerry Jones’ shiny new toy, and Jones is like a six-year old who refuses to play with any other toys. Toys from seasons past include the aforementioned Jones, Tashard Choice, Marion Barber, Terrell Owens, Julius Jones and Roy Williams, all of which either broke or got discarded soon after. You’ll be on this list soon DeMarco! You too Miles Austin’s hamstrings!
Ravens 16, 49ers 6- Trust Alex Smith at your own risk. The somewhat-improved Niners quarterback looked like his 2008 self on Thursday night. Yes, the Ravens were using the right side of the San Fran o-line like a turnstile, but Smith seemed to be over-anticipating the pressure and immediately looking to scramble and avoid the rush upon receiving the snap. Because of the constant blitzes, 49ers receivers were being left open, or even completely uncovered, but instead of taking a three-step drop and getting rid of it, Smith would dance around the pocket before ultimately getting flattened by Terrell Suggs. Smith has done a terrific job as a “game-manager” this season for the Niners, but game-managers don’t win you Super Bowls in 2011. Why is it that teams with great defenses are seemingly incapable of getting an above-average quarterback on offense? Look at the top defenses over the past decade- Smith and the 49ers, Sanchez and the Jets, Flacco and the Ravens, Grossman/Orton and the Bears. The Vikings, Redskins and Bucs spent much of the last 10 years fruitlessly trying to find a quarterback whose talent matched that of their defense. The only top-10 (or even top-15) quarterbacks to be paired with truly elite defenses have been Ben Roethlisberger, Eli Manning and Tom Brady, and they’ve won six of the last 11 Super Bowls.
It’s not as if teams with great defenses put less emphasis on offensive personnel either. Smith, Sanchez and Flacco, for example, were all first-round picks, and all three teams have taken great pains to surround their inept quarterbacks with playmakers. When any among that triumvirate have good games, everyone freaks out like “LOOKIT- he CAN play quarterback! Now we’ll spend the entire next week talking about how he’s “made the jump”, then act surprised when he has yet another bad game next week.” It’s extremely rare that any of those teams win a game because of their quarterback, not in spite of him. Only Flacco has shown any real signs of being a Super Bowl caliber quarterback this year, yet he’s ultimately undone by the fact that the Ravens offense is “run play-action 40 times and hope Torrey Smith or Anquan Boldin draw pass-interference”. It’s a shame, too, because these great defenses have transcended the NFL’s current score-first defend-later movement, yet until they can find an above-average quarterback in a league filled of them, their legacy will be little more than just another good that couldn’t get it done.
Falcons 24, Vikings 14- Here’s a fun fact- The three running backs, two receivers and one tight end I started in fantasy this week combined for 230 yards and 0 touchdowns. What’s interesting about that is that Beanie Wells had 229 yards and 1 touchdown BY HIMSELF on Sunday. In fact, those starters were scored less than seven different players, including juggernauts like Wells, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Roy Helu, so in lieu of your Fantasy Underachievers of the week, I’m just going to list my own fantasy team, which managed a whopping 41 points despite what appeared to be fantastic matchups across the board. All of you DIE, including you Adrian Peterson you frail bastard:
Ben Roethlisberger- 193 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT (vs. Chiefs)
Steven Jackson- 64 yards (vs. Cardinals)
Rashard Mendenhall- 57 yards (vs. Chiefs)
Ben Tate- 26 yards (vs. Jaguars)
Mike Wallace- 17 yards (vs. Chiefs)
Dez Bryant- 35 yards (vs. Dolphins
Owen Daniels- 31 yards (vs. Jaguars)
Bears Defense- 25 points against (vs. Raiders)
John Kasay- 0 field goals (vs. Giants)