NFL Week 14: Fired Coaches, Tebow2012 and Part Two of the Zombie Manifesto!

Five teams rallied from 12-point deficits on Sunday- the Falcons, Jaguars, Giants, Texans and Cardinals.  The Cowboys meanwhile blew their third 12-point fourth-quarter lead of 2011, which is exactly one more than they blew in the previous 50 seasons combined. This has been the year of the comeback in the NFL, with each week bringing new and exciting ways to blow leads. Take this week for example. The Bears had their game in the bag- up three with two minutes to play against a timeout-less Broncos team- but then Marion Barber stopped the clock by running out of bounds because…I don’t know. No one does.  How does someone who’s played football for 18 years suddenly forget something that even a casual fan would know? Maybe it really was divine intervention that Tebow was improbably granted the chance to lead his team downfield for a game-winning drive, at least that’s what one Colorado pastor thinks. Pastor Wayne Summit said this week that, “Luck isn’t winning 6 games in a row.  It’s favor.  God’s favor.”   When asked whether Tebow would have the same success if he wasn’t a believer, his response was “Of course not.”  Pastor Summit’s theory implies that a God-fearing, championship-winning football icon with lots of charity work would garner God’s favor, which I’m pretty sure is exactly what the defense lawyers in Commonwealth of Pennsylvania v. Jerry Sandusky are banking on.  I also fear for that possibility if only out of concern for what Jim Caldwell and Charlie Whitehurst have done to earn God’s wrath.  But enough about Tebow for now, let’s get to the games:

Texans 20, Bengals 19– Thanks to an influx of talented young stars, the Bengals are enjoying their best season in years and find themselves in the playoff hunt late in the season; and yet, it looked like the Rapture had hit Paul Brown Stadium on Sunday.  The generously tallied attendance of 41,200 was over 56,000 less than the crowd at the Cowboys-Giants game. In fact, this was the third time in six home games that the Bengals drew less fans than the riveting Cincinnati-West Virginia game in November. I can’t really blame the Cincy fans; I’m really just curious as to what alternative options there are to do on a Sunday in Cincinnati in December. I guess it’s the usual- stay home and make fun of Cleveland or go to Buffalo Wild Wings and try to convince the bartender to use their game-sabotage button to set off the stadium pyrotechnics in Mike Brown’s suite.

Lost among all the empty seats was the fact that T.J. Yates led a thrilling last-gasp comeback to secure the Texans’ first playoff berth in franchise history. Given their rash of injuries, this team’s success is utterly mind-boggling. Sure their division is pretty terrible this year, but Houston has considerably worse personnel on offense than in years’ past thanks to injuries to Matt Schaub, Matt Leinart, Andre Johnson and Arian Foster and their defense isn’t all that different from the historically terrible one last year. In fact, they returned eight starters from that legendarily porous unit AND lost Mario Williams to injury and added two rookies. Their only upgrades were corner Johnathan Joseph and safety Danieal Manning, who have been as remarkably good as their first names are remarkably spelled. Even if their hot streak ends with an early exit in the playoffs, the Texans are poised to be one of the three or four best teams going into 2012. Peyton Manning or no Peyton Manning, this division looks like it belongs to the Texans now, which is yet another massive paradigm-shift in the NFL’s ever-evolving landscape.

Jets 37, Chiefs 10– Todd Haley fired! You know that he’s three-quarters deep into a handle of Jack, wearing a stained letterman jacket and throwing eggs at the Chiefs practice facility right now. Guaranteed.

I really shouldn’t  be so delighted by the firing of coaches- I’ve been fired before and it’s awful. But not nearly as awful as getting fired by a super rich white guy in a city where everyone already hates you then having the news leaked to an eager national audience.  You can’t even make up some story to tell your friends like, “yeah I walked into the boss’s office and told him ‘it’s my way or the highway, old man, so either give me space to do my thing or go fuck yourself!’” Nope, can’t do that, because your friends already know exactly when and how you got fired because your former employers went on national television immediately after and held a press conference talking about how you weren’t good enough at your job.

I don’t know why anyone would even want to be a head coach to be honest. An NFL head coach might be the most publically scrutinized job in America outside of the President. Plus, you spend 18 hours a day trying to get 50 twenty-something meatsticks to do their job, and if one of them screws up you spend the next six days being ignorantly second-guessed by every journalist, radio-host, blogger (hey!), acquaintance, student, waiter and valet you come across, 99% of whom never so much as played JV football. Not only are you subjected to unparalleled criticism if you fail (or don’t win the right way), but you work in a profession which requires half of the teams to fail.  Unlike most jobs, being an NFL coach is a zero-sum game. You can have 32 different sales reps and all 32 are good enough to keep their job, but you can’t have 32 good coaches in the NFL, or even 22. One guy’s success means another’s failure, so unless you’re Bill Belichick or Mike Tomlin or you have incriminating pictures of Jeffrey Lurie, your position as coach is always going to be a temp job. Oh and on top of all that, you’re prominence in the public realm means that your private life, or what’s left of it after you’ve spent 18-hours a day at a team facility for eight months, is considered public information. In the age of Deadspin, TMZ and the like, you’d better not get caught having an affair ,or having a kid with a dope habit, or else that’ll be given the same treatment as your fourth quarter play-calling. Rex Ryan gave someone the finger at an MMA fight in the offseason and got fined 50 grand by the league and ended up on the cover of the New York Post.

Why do you think coaches often take years off between jobs? After giving everything you have to a franchise only to be canned after going 5-11 one season, it’s far more desirable to work 20 hours a week for 70% of what you were getting paid just to sit in a cushy TV studio in L.A. or Manhattan and talk about what all the other coaches are doing wrong. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em right?

Patriots 34, Redskins 27– This was your standard “NFC-East team inexplicably plays way up to their competition” game, but in case anyone was still unaware- the Pats D has huge issues. When a Fred Davis and Trent Williams-less Redskins offense puts up 25 first downs and 463 yards on you, you’ve got problems. The Pats are kind of a poor-man’s version of the Packers this year, only with a somehow worse secondary. I’d love to see those two teams in the Super Bowl though because Brady and Rodgers might combine for 1,000 passing yards. In other news that you already know, Rob Gronkowski is just a maniac. I honestly don’t know how you defend against a guy that big with Tom Brady throwing to him. Here’s video of his savage 50-yard run in the first half (with complimentary a Joe Budden soundtrack!).

Nice effort, DeAngelo Hall. 

I know Danny Woodhead is small, and Gheorghe Muresan is gigantic, but Woodhead literally looks like a Hobbit in this picture:

"HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY DAAAAAAANNNYY"

Jaguars 41, Bucs 14– Wow the Bucs are awful. Hope you enjoyed coaching in the NFL Raheem Morris, cause that clock is about to strike midnight. The Jaguars had scored more than 14 points in a game just once all year, yet they looked like the Packers on offense Sunday, which leads me to believe that the Packers would score 150 points against Tampa.  The Bucs were actually winning this game 14-0 in the second quarter before surrendering 41 straight points in just 34 minutes. Even more humiliating, the Jags had more points in a two-minute span late in the second quarter (21) than they had in their highest-scoring game all season (20).

The Bucs have now lost seven in a row, including three by 19 or more, plus the 48-3 annihilation by the 49ers in Week Five. There’s just no way that Raheem Morris keeps his job at this point.  In fact, I’m pretty confident that he was actually fired on Monday, but as soon as he heard that Haley and Sparano were canned, he threw his Blackberry in the toilet, dumped a pot of coffee on his laptop and went to hide in the middle of the Everglades so that no one could tell him.

Ravens 24, Colts 10– Here’s something that doesn’t need to exist-Southern Comfort Fiery Pepper. I inexplicably tried this last weekend and, good God, it’s like getting pepper sprayed in the tonsils. It tastes like hot sauce that’s mixed with whisky then shaken in a homeless man’s boot, which is probably what it is. The kind of person who drinks this spicy after-birth is probably the same person who would wash it down with some Bud Light and Clamato.  I have absolutely no idea why the people at Southern Comfort are actively trying to make a product that already doesn’t taste good, taste significantly worse. Their target demographic for this product is people who think that a casting agent from Fear Factor is at the bar and Sam Elliot.

Broncos 13, Bears 10– 

Hanie- “Look man I know this was a tough game, it was tough for all of us. Just know that we can learn from this, we can turn this thing around and we can succeed tomorrow where we have failed today. I believe in you, and I believe in this team.”

Barber- “Fuck off my leg, hillbilly.”

And lo, the Tebowla Virus claims another victim, this time thanks to Matt Prater’s boot. The Broncos’ season has reached a point now where I almost don’t believe that it’s real. The odds of a team even being in the position for a fourth quarter comeback seven times in eight weeks is bizarre enough, for them to succeed all seven times with a quarterback who ranks in the bottom third in the league in passing ability seems statistically impossible. This story of “Tim Tebow: Winner, Cult of Personality, Awful Quarterback” was supposed to be a comedy, right? Instead, it has evolved Intelligently Designed into a weekly edition of “Is this really happening??” I really don’t see any circumstance where it would be possible for the Broncos to score enough points to beat the Patriots next week though. If they somehow put up another fourth quarter miracle and beat the Patriots next weekend I will name my first born male Lord Tebow of Nazareth. Still better than Metta World Peace.

Sometimes, life and sports meet, and we see something on the field that transcends the game. But most times, we do not. And most times that people say that something transcends sports and impacts real life, they are grossly exaggerating and being blow-hards. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that Tebow has meteorically exceeded my expectations and that he’s been the main character in the Broncos’ storybook season, but I think people are getting a little carried away with Tebow-mania. The hyperbole and over-emphasis of his skills has spiraled out of control to the point that even if he was having the greatest season in the history of football, the praise would still be unwarranted. Take this editorial that was among the top headlines on ABCNews.com this week called “Tebow for President? Quarterbacking Our Country.” Of all the inane, overstatement-filled, misguided articles fawning over Tebow’s intangibles, this one by Matthew Dowd, chief strategist of the Bush 2004 re-election campaign, is in a category unto itself. It begins:

Last night, watching Denver quarterback Tim Tebow’s post-game press appearance and President Obama’s interview on CBS’s 60 Minutes, I was struck by the fact that one man is offering his team (and the country actually) the leadership they need while the other is trapped in traditional discourse and scoring political points.

“The call to send Team Six into Pakistan and take out Osama Bin Laden was good, I guess, but Tebow’s pass to Demaryius Thomas in overtime? NOW THAT’S LEADERSHIP!”

Tebow is not even close to the most physically talented quarterback in the NFL (and he probably isn’t even the most physically talented quarterback on his own team), but he has taken a team sitting in the cellar and lifted it up to playoff contention.

Yes, he’s lifted it up to first place in the worst division in football. Pay no attention to the fact that there are 52 other people on the team, or that the Broncos rank second to last in the league in passing, or that guys like Willis McGahee or Von Miller or Elvis Dumervil exist.  ALL TEBOW. RECO’NIZE.

Do I buy into some intervention by God because Tebow is a man of incredible religious faith? No. 

Great, neither does any other sane person, let’s move on.

I do believe there is a divine presence in every one of us and in every thing, and the power of that presence remains a mystery of the ages.  It can’t be proven or disproven by an intellectual conversation or scientific method, but it is hard not to accept if you are a person of faith and connection to something outside our mere humanity. 

I know I just said that thing about God not being involved, but let me share my own spiritual beliefs with you anyway, even though they have nothing to do with anything I’m talking about.

Yet that is not what this Denver rise and winning streak is about.

“Just to make it clear- that whole diatribe- the one all about my personal theological views? That was in no way related to my thesis. I just felt like this was a good forum to share them though.”

First, I would be very surprised if God is concerned about whether one NFL team is winning and whether one is losing. 

“Okay just to make sure there’s absolutely no doubt and to burn two more paragraphs, this isn’t about God. How many words am I up to now? 250? Shit.”

Even if God was concerned, I would hope he would have helped my hometown team — the Detroit Lions — who have had no success in the Super Bowl era.

The Lions- CLEARLY God’s biggest concern in the city of Detroit. No one denies this.

Second, there are many players of faith on every team in the NFL, so I don’t think the Creator is picking and choosing which player or team or faith He likes more or less.

“Let me make another frivolous point that everyone already knows so that you are convinced that the fictional argument that I already said is not true, is not in fact true.” If you’re scoring at home, Dowd first brought up the argument that God is somehow responsible for Tebow’s success, which no one actually believes unless they’re an insane pastor in Colorado, then he said that that was a fallacy, then he gave us his own religious doctrine for no apparent reason, then spent three paragraphs debunking the erroneous argument that HE BROUGHT UP and already said was wrong. None of this, for the record, has ANYTHING to do with the thesis of the article.

I do think this Tebow boomlet is about faith…It is about Tebow’s faith in his own teammates. 

OHHH SNAP! You spent four hundred words talking about nothing in order to set the stage for a play on words that’s already been used in 8,371 articles about Tebow already. It’s a crescendo of unoriginality!

It is about his faith and confidence in his own organization.  It is about him acknowledging his own weaknesses and failings and mistakes and understanding that if his team looks good, then he looks good.

It’s about him acknowledging the fact that he is not good at his position but if his defense and running backs play well he gets all the credit and people write articles like this one.

Obama, and so too the Republican candidates for president, can learn a lot from what is going on in the Mile High City.  Our economy, and this country, are struggling with huge deficits of confidence and faith. 

They also happen to be struggling with huge deficits in jobs, growth, foreign investment and domestic industry, but confidence and faith are obviously the primary problem. WHERE ARE THIS COUNTRY’S INTANGIBLES?

We need a leader who can bring us together, exude confidence in us as a team, and lead us to where we need to go in the 21st century.  A leader who is willing to admit mistakes and approach politics not by pointing fingers or scoring points but by helping us all be better people. 

The only thing honest in this entire idealistic, fluffy testimonial is the implication that Tim Tebow does not score points.

Take a look at Obama’s latest interview.  It does not make you feel better about where we are heading.  You don’t feel like we are going to win under his leadership.  He points fingers and refuses to admit his own mistakes or weaknesses.  

Where is Obama’s pump-up speech? Why is he talking about the debt ceiling instead of how confident he is in God’s plan? Why isn’t Obama Tebowing?

I often wonder where is the Barack Obama of the 2007 and 2008 campaign.  That Obama was much more like the leader we need at this time.  He offered hope, he had soaring rhetoric, he offered a change from the bitter politics in Washington, and he made us feel we could win.

Yes, he did offer a change from Washingtonian politics, and then he took office and realized that soaring rhetoric and optimism aren’t actual political policies. Turns out can’t just wish change into existence. If anything, this statement demonstrates the exact opposite point of Dowd’s argument and shows how unbelievably naïve this article is.

Tebow is the kind of leader for his football team that our country needs at this crucial moment in history.  Yes, the Denver Broncos streak will probably end, and the odds are a team like the Green Bay Packers will win the Super Bowl.  But no matter the outcome, Tebow has shown what faith, and confidence and humility can do for a team of limited skills that was losing consistently before.

Yes, faith, confidence, humility, an offense designed to mitigate Tebow’s abundant shortcomings and a defense that spends its Sundays trying to compensate for their inept offense for three quarters.

This is exactly what President Franklin Roosevelt and President Reagan understood about leadership.

Wait, what? I like that there’s absolutely nothing in the article to substantiate this claim. “FDR, Reagan and Tim Tebow are all cut from the same leadership cloth because they had faith and confidence. Now you must show that same faith and confidence in me because I will provide no basis for this massive leap of logic. It’s like a literary trust-fall.”

This economy, and our country, do not need more programs out of Washington, D.C., or legislation from Congress, or tax cuts for the wealthy, or more spending on government stimulus.  What citizens and businesses need is a leader who can raise us all up to a level we didn’t know we had in us, give us confidence in ourselves, give us a common goal to work toward, and make us believe in and have faith in ourselves again.

So Dowd’s suggestion for the prototypical presidential candidate is a Libertarian Tony Robbins? By this logic, the best coach in the NFL would be one who gave really, really good pregame and halftime speeches but didn’t actually call plays or design a defense. So basically, Herm Edwards. Got it.

It seems this is a leadership lesson we keep having to learn over and over again through our country’s history.  It is so easy to forget how successes were achieved along the way by Kennedy-style exhortations such as “we are going to the moon.”

Dowd’s point just completely disregards the role that actual work plays in achieving success. By his reasoning, we put a man on the moon by saying that we would put a man on the moon. If this kind of reasoning applied to football, Rex Ryan would have won three Super Bowls by now.

But maybe a quarterback who seems as much boy as man can show us all, including the candidates for president, how to win and how to get our country back on track.  And how to have a little fun along the way.  Now that is a leader I would enthusiastically go in the huddle with.

This whole article is just idealistic nonsense that half-heartedly tries to argue that Tebow’s lessons of success in the NFL can translate into presidential success in government, all while framing the discussion within some utopian society in which pep talks and smiles are the primary tools of the successful. So, you can use Tebow’s success to solve real world problems, providing that you dumb everything down to the point that all solutions become transitive. Follow Tim Tebow’s example- come in talking a great game and bringing optimism, hope, and a rabid fan base, then suck for three straight quarters but somehow pull out a win thanks in large part to the errors of your opponents. On second thought, that’s pretty much exactly what happened during Obama’s first term. Hey, Joe Biden does bear a striking resemblance to John Fox. Maybe Dowd is on to something.

Cardinals 21, 49ers 19-  Back in Week 7, we brought you part one of Bryan Kaminski’s 756-part Zombie Manifesto. Today we present part two. This chapter of the manifesto brings to you the foods that you are going to want to put at the top of your looting/grocery list.  Here they are and why:

Allow common sense to prevail and eat as much perishable food as possible.  You will also want to learn how to cure meant to extend its shelf life in the event you can’t eat all the steaks in the world in week one (unlikely).  I have already perfected this skill.  Perfected meaning I’m assuming you just dump salt on your array of meats and voila! Cured meat.

During this phase, make sure you work out in the morning before everyone wakes up.  This way, you will stay a lean, mean, zombie-destroying machine, while the rest of the camp fattens up like Kirstie Alley on a cheat day weekend week month year.  Sounds heartless (it is), but it is also smart.  A day will come when the team is going to be running from a zombie herd like a bunch of tourists and crazy Spaniards in the running of the bull-zombies.  While undead are chomping at the Kirstie Alleys’ heels, you will be off in the horizon celebrating like a BAWSE (Rick Ross voice).  It’s survival of the fittest during the ZA (I haven’t decided if I should say “zah” or “Z”-“A” when reading in my mind…“Zah” sounds like a hipster magician.  “Z”-“A” it is).

Going barefoot during the ZA is NOT recommended, but will be respected.  Gold shoes, however, are highly recommended.

Quick note on working out – buy P90X now.  It is all push-ups, pull-ups, and resistance bands.  It even comes with a picture book.  Boom.  Gym on the road.  I knew this purchase would come in handy some day.  Right now it’s just P4X, for the amount of days I used it (Yoga day made me quit. It’s so hard.  How is yoga a national phenomenon?  Or even worse, yoga in a 110 degree room with 30 scantily-clad women in yoga pants…..hmmm, I see…anyone wanna go to class next Thursday?).

Life-hint for our gentleman zombie-warriors: Stay the hell away from the ice cream.  Once the surviving female population has that day (about 4 p.m of the first day) where they think about their family, what they’ve lost, the absence of Grey’s Anatomy and subsequently get sad, they will turn into a communal, Breyer’s-hungry, ravenous horde of zombies.  But in addition to biting and scratching to the bone, they can and will run to and through whatever person, place, or thing (I’ll take an “S” Pat) is holding said ice creamConsider yourselves warned.  Don’t fret about it.  I’ll be in the toppings aisle loading up on that magic fudge shell stuff (evidence that magic is real).  When it snows, we can pour it all over the ground and walk around picking up pieces of frozen chocolate for seven to ten hours.  It’ll be glorious.  This way when one of your friends hits some poor schmuck in the face with a snowball, he’ll say, “Hey man! Thanks for throwing chocolate in my mouth,” (Weird- Bree Olsen said the same thing when I was watching… uh, Sportscenter the other day.), instead of pulling a knife on you.

Magic shell snowball in a dessert dish.

Life-hint for everyone:  Stay the hell away from the ice-cream cake.  I dare any amount of men, women, or children to attempt to stop me from eating all of the Carvel Ice Cream cake in a 20 mile radius of our ZA HQ.  Living or undead, no single being, group of people, horde of zombies, or regiment of soldiers could stop me from acquiring and enjoying just absolutely disgusting amounts of ice cream cake.  We’re talking the vanilla ice cream cake with moderate amounts of frosting, some Happy Birthday blue icing, and the crunched up chocolate, frozen cookie substance in the middle that my family refers to as “CRUNCHIES.”  I’d put a pregnant octomom zombie to shame in the volume of frozen cake that my stomach could digest, given the thought that refrigeration ceased to exist and the world’s supply of ice cream cake was placed in danger of disappearing FOREVER.

Mom: “We got ice cream cake for yourrrr birthday!!”
Me: “Does it have crunchies in the middle?”

Mom: “…No…I’m really sorry.  They ran out, hun.”

Me: “This is the worst birthday ever.  I hate my presents.  I hate my cake.  I hate YOU.”

Mom: “We can just get you another cake next week.”

Me: “…fine.  But I’m still blowing up these Matchbox cars you just gave me in the backyard.”

I was a bastard.  But you don’t fuck around when it comes to ice cream cake.

Moving on:  FEMA published this pdf with a list (see page 6) of food to store or obtain for long-term survival…..BOR-ING.  I fell asleep and dreamed about steak just reading that list.  Dried corn?  What the hell is that?  Noncarbonated soft drinks…hmm, couldn’t you just get carbonated?  They’ll do the work and turn non-carbonated on their own.  Why do I have to run around town, risking my life because survivor X wants non-carbonated soda?  What if I feel like having a Coke a few weeks after disaster hits?

Me: “Can you grab me a Coke?”

Survivor X: “I didn’t get any for our storage.  We just have non-carbonated soda.”

Me: “…I’ll kill you.”

That’s how that’s gonna go FEMA.  You want that blood on your hands?  I mean they’re the experts here.  FEMA is the organization to see for natural disasters, because they were so damn effective/dam-effective when Katrina hit…sike!  Child please FEMA.  You have some obvious ones that made my list, but get the rest of your dumb list outta my face.

Here’s my top five…

BEEF JERKY: The first food I’m stocking up on is none other than jerky de beef.  It is already common knowledge that beef jerky has a shelf life of forever.  I’m convinced you could leave it out in a nuclear holocaust and eat it the next day.  While radioactive, it would still be flavorful, delicious AND healthy.  The only possible “issue” with jerky is it getting a bit tough if you leave the bag open (which is a murder-able offense for potato chips we acquire).  No worries. It now has two sensations, very similar to that Stride gum that changes flavor.  First, it’s meat candy that you have to suck on until it’s soft enough to eat (pause!).  Then, it’s beef jerky, one of the most underrated foods in the world America.  It’s like an Everlasting Gobstopper with beef jerky in the middle!  Fantastic.

Sometimes I like to leave bags of jerky open overnight.  After rising, I go into the living room and put the bag across the way.  Then I stealthily crawl on the floor and over couches, inch by inch, until the bag is my range…and I pounce!  I rip pieces apart and FEEL LIKE A LIONFortunately, my roommates have yet to see my Mufasa alter-ego in action.  They’d probably definitely ask me to move out.

Top 5 Beef Jerky Flavors

  1. Teriyaki
  2. Sweet and Spicy (HIGHLY underrated)
  3. Steakhouse
  4. Peppered
  5. A1 (This should be numero uno.  Jack Link’s screwed this up.)

Top 5 Jerky Flavors I Have Not Had That I Must Have Now

  1. Buffalo Jerky
    1. Original Buffalo Jerky (apparently there’s two different buffalo styles.  Great news.)
    2. Maple and Brown Sugar Ham Jerky
    3. Carne Seca (Jalapeno)
    4. Cholula Hot Sauce (fourth for name only)
      1. Sweet and Spicy Thai (I told you it was underrated.  Jack Link’s knows it’s so good, they made two different versions.)

Top 1 Jerky That I Will Never Eat

  1. Turkey Jerky

I am torn because I cannot think of a better pair of rhyming words than “turkey jerky” (purple nurple is close), but why in the hell would I ever want dried turkey?  Dried steak? Done.  Dry turkey?  Ruins families.  I punched my Mom in the face this year because she overcooked the bird on Thanksgiving (she’s really had it rough).  I’m not invited back next year.  Truthfully, I was out on any jerky other than beef, but then I saw the words “MAPLE AND BROWN SUGAR” in front of Ham Jerky.  Maple and brown sugar is one of those combinations that causes people to say things like, “I’d eat anything covered in maple syrup and brown sugar,” and well, I’m one of those people.  I’d eat maple and brown sugar rat jerky.  I’m not proud of that last sentence, but it is what is.

BAKED BEANS:  I will don many an outfit during the ZA.  Ninja will clearly be outfit king (see far left).  Outfit prince? Cowboy.

**Google search: bad ass cowboy**

YUP!!

Others will include:

  • Pharaoh with Cobra Hat and Cobra Stick,
  • Big Foot costume for numerous comedy clips scaring people in the middle of the night,
  • Iron Chef  because chefs’ hats are epic and my man’s rocking silver (Just silver.  Didn’t know that was an available clothing option for non-robots/tin men. #Swag),
  • A Superhero…probably Thor, and
  • Michael Jackson in Thriller so I can dance battle thee FUCK out of some bitch-ass zombies.  If I happen to lose (I won’t) I can just decapitate them afterwards.  Can’t do that on the top floor of Magerks.  Just one of the perks of living during a zombie apocalypse.

 Really though, I’m gonna have holsters and a cowboy outfit on 45% of the time mid-Zsa Zsa Gabor.  I haven’t decided if I’m going with holsters under the armpit or around the waist…probably both.  There’s nothing I’d rather do than sit around a camp fire, booze, and rage on my iPad.  God, I hope Jeff Van Gundy survives the apocalypse- him and that cowboy- so I can shotgun duel him – minus the day old, cold, pre-game buffalo wings.

If I ever find myself donning my Cowboy outfit and one-on-one with a zombie, ACT like I’m not whistling this…Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=1hYV-JSjpyU#t=6s

then taking ten paces back, and throwing down spirit fingers over my gun like I’m Clint Eastwood in Bring It On 7.  Zombie makes a move and POW, he has no head.  Can.  Not.  Wait.  This is also how we’ll settle who gets the last bag of beef jerky.

Next to beef jerky, baked beans might be the second most underrated food in America.  They are incredible.  AND incredible sources of protein, fiber, vitamin B1, niacin, calcium, and iron!!  The more you know.  Furthermore, they scream summer and Fourth of July, which screams America, which screams win.  They also have those huge chunks of bacon in them.  Can this get any better?  My god, I love bacon.  If I trained like Michael Phelps, I would eat a pack of bacon every morning for breakfast.  There’s no way to preserve bacon (IS THERE?), but you can at least save yourself a few hundred chunks of bacon via cans of baked beans.  Plus, is there a more bad ass food to eat?  Cut that can open with your Rambo knife, flip the lid open, and eat out of a can with a spoon.  Bad…Ass.

I MC Hammer searched a guide for the best baked beans and this is what I got. According to this guide, Branston baked beans are best.  Well, the beans they show look like they were regurgitated, all of the cans look like they’re from the sixties and the guide was printed in 2010, and it’s from the UK.  94% of all food from the UK tastes like wet cardboard.  5% tastes like dry cardboard.  Then, there’s fish and chips where chips are actually French Fries.  Don’t use that guide.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B: 

Right you are Tim Allen.  Nowwww we’re talking.  Besides ol’ faithful – Original – we got Homestyle and Country Style, Honey, Maple Cured, faackin Boston Recipe, Onion and BOLD & SPICY.  Mmmm.  I dare someone in my survival squad to get vegetarian.  Dare them…

POTATOES:  I’m pretty sure potatoes last longer than canned goods.  They’re ridiculous.  Plus, if they actually do spoil and get hard, you can play baseball with them….or head on over to the Blind Center across the street from my building and pelt some blind zombies for stuffed animals (I’ll be running the carnival).

Potatoes can Optimus Prime into: French Fries, Potato Chips, Baseballs, Weapons, Home Fries, Mashed Potatoes, Potato Skins, Scalloped Potatoes…and everything on this list. I love humans.  This list is incredible.  “Potato Salad”…How could I forget?  Mayo’s good on the shelf as long as it’s sealed.  Win! “Asiago”…1/2 cup mayonnaise, 1/2 cup cheese, mix and stuff potato.  Wow.  “Sausage-stuffed” – let’s just fill potatoes with shit that tastes good.  I imagine this is how potato skins were born.  America! Plus, the list has three different kinds of scalloped potatoes and finshes off with potatoes “With Blue Cheese.”  That’s it…just “with blue cheese.”  I don’t know who wrote this, but mother of God they know what’s up.  Well done.  It’s pretty gourmet and sounds incredibly delicious, but at the end, they’re just like fuck it.  Dip some potatoes in blue cheese and I guarantee it’ll taste good enough to serve at a dinner party.  Even though this applies to almost every food in the world, I love where their head’s at.

We had a famous black person draft a while ago.  (No, it’s not racist. We have drafts for everything, then argue about who has the best team. It’s a phenomenal way to pass time, as well as a great activity to do when drunk.  Past drafts include: animals that you’d want in a fight in the Coliseum, wrestlers, Lost characters, and The Wire characters, among others.  I have draft strategies for every race, various professions, and several different phylum…try me.)  Anyway, my first pick was George Washington Carver.  I was subject to a lot of abuse and ridicule.  C’mon though.  The guy found 300 things to do with a peanut! A PEA-NUT.  I’m surprised we ever even got to one – eating them. They look like shelled garbage.  Then, you break through the shell and they have that weird, red wrapping paper on them that a lot of people hate.  Then, you finally get to the peanut.  But when they were first discovered they weren’t salted, honey roasted, or dipped in chocolate.  And they dam sure weren’t sold by a huge peanut with Mr. Monopoly swag.  But my man G-Dub-C as my team likes to call him, found 299 other things to do.  He’s a winner.  Imagine what he could do with a potato.  Or a laser!!

ANDDD, I just read that he found hundreds of other things to do with soybeans, pecans, and sweet potatoes.  Patents applied for in his lifetime?  Three.  George Washington Carver don’t care!  He just make it do what it do baby.  Swag.  I’m telling you, he needs to be around today.  You’d just wake up at 11 a.m. on a Saturday, and walk out to your living room… “Oh.  Good morning.  Um, uh, I really hope you don’t mind.  I just used your Xbox, celery, and all of your aluminum foil to make a rocket.”  I don’t mind.  I don’t mind at all Georgie boy.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering, “When are we going to possibly eat something like potato skins?”  Great question.  Start sucking gas and filling those cans up!  Every once in a while, we’ll (well, my group at least) fire up the gennys (hick speak for generators) and get some ovens, stoves, and deep fryers goin.  Think of it as a cheat day when you’re on a diet, except we’re really gonna chow down after not being able to for weeks or more….yeah, actually think of it as the Dhali Lama having sex with Adriana Lima after being abstinent for 30 years. It’s gonna be mouth sex, so, yup, think of it as exactly that.

NOTE: I feel this way every time I go to the Cheesecake Factory.  Say what you will about its food being unhealthy, but that place puts mouth sex on a plate and serves it to you.  Phenomenal. I always eat fast there — (1) because it’s mouth sex and (2) because I feel like the hostess is the pimp and he/she is going to slap me around if I take too long to eat. Or charge me for two…I mean, I wouldn’t even know what a pimp would do.  Heard it in a movie.  Moving on.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY:  Actually, let me specify.  Crunchy peanut butter and jelly.  This is clearly a combo deal, but if I had to pick one, it’s hello peanut butter and GTFO jelly.  Anyway, because it’s what I was raised on, I was always a consumer of the creamy or smooth peanut butter.  It’s just what I knew.  It’s also why I like Circus Peanuts when most people don’t know what they are, and the ones that do think they’re disgusting piles of sugar (they are).  Dad liked ‘em.  Ate them growing up.  I like them.  However, about two years ago I discovered- well, ate (I knew it existed, did you read the George Washington Carver section?)- crunchy peanut butter.  Discovered its magic, I should say. It’s unreal.  Peanuts are awesome (what up GWC).  Peanut butter is awesome.  Peanuts in my peanut butter? Outta this mother-lovin world.  It’s the same reason that thing at Applebee’s with a chocolate brownie, chocolate frosting, and hot fudge is so damn good.  Keep on mixing different but amazing forms of the same food and you’re eventually gonna find yourself some mouth sex.  Well, that my friends is what you have with crunchy peanut butter.

Plus, since all bread during the ZA will be all moldy after a couple weeks, you will be able to make PB and J sandwiches in your mouth.  Tablespoon of peanut butter.  Teaspoon of jelly.  Bang…PBJ in your mouth.  I used to make chocolate milk in my mouth and my mom would get reallllly fuckin pissed.  Absolutely hated when I drank out of containers and stuff, so you can imagine her rage when she saw me swig the milk, shoot chocolate syrup in my mouth like a trainer on the NFL sidelines, swish it around and drink.  Yeah, I know.  Amazing.  Can’t take credit.  I think Joey did it on Full House, but I could be wrong.  Might have been someone on Boy Meets World.

Either way, PB and J will last for years and will never get old.  Trust me.  Everyone in my apartment has gone on month-long binges of nothing but peanut butter and jelly during the week and pizza or not eating on the weekend.  No complaints.  Well, maybe a few, but it’s a god damn Zsa-Zsa Gabor. You’re gonna have to make some sacrifices.

SEEDS:  I know, I know.  Now THAT’S boring as shit.  FEMA’s list crushes that.  Well, it’s time to get a little practical on you.  Not that the previous four weren’t, but seeds are really a no-brainer.  Plus, I’m 3,000 words in and I’ve only discussed four foods.  I plan on designating one floor of Wells or the Blind Center as Farmville floor.  Whoever draws the short straw has to dress like a farmer, constantly chew on grass, talk with a Southern accent and tend to the crops.

The possibilities are endless and they take up minimal room (in seed form dummy).  We can get a rain piping system to work its way down from the roof and convert itself into crop life-juice.  We’ll call it Project Juicy Juice (top-five drink to stock up on).

Well there you have it.  I’m literally running out of words.  I’m going to start typing in Wingdings soon.  Get to these foods as fast as you can and stock up on as much as you can.  Ladies, get to that ice cream before your backstabbing friends do.  Fellas, go H.A.M. on beef jerky (wordplay!).  Good luck out there!

Saints 22, Titans 17– Jake Locker has a Beast Mode? Who knew?

Eagles 26, Dolphins 10– This was one of those monthly games where the other team somehow doesn’t account for the fact that the Eagles d-ends line up a quarter mile away from the center. I like that Tony Sparano’s last dying act as head coach was to give Reggie Bush only 14 times even though he was averaging 7.4 yards per carry and his starting quarterback was hurt.  I do feel bad for the now-unemployed Sparano though, not because he was turned into a scapegoat for the Dolphins’ incompetence, but because he had finally found one of the few jobs in life that allows him to wear sunglasses all the time. It’s pretty much just him, state troopers and David Caruso who can pull that off.

"What she order? ...fish filet."

Steelers 14, Browns 3– Either Ben Roethlisberger is elaborately faking injuries in some sort of insanely long con or he has turned into Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. Those seem like the only two logical scenarios seeing as he finished Thursday’s game after this happened:

Despite the fact that he’s seemingly always nursing a broken finger or bum ankle, he’s missed more games over the last six seasons due what happened in a Milledgeville bathroom (4-game suspension) than on the playing field (three games missed due to injury).  Roethlisberger’s toughness is so remarkable that is has become, well, unremarkable. It’s just understood that if he can walk and grip a football, he’s not going to be on the sidelines. Even before his ankle jackknifed on Thursday, he was playing with a broken thumb on his throwing hand. And yet, the prospect of him missing next week’s game against the 49ers doesn’t even seem like a possibility. He’s like the bizarro Michael Vick.

And now we present part 143 of our weekly series: James Harrison is an Unhinged Maniac.

I’m not a fan of the league-wide scrutiny and arbitrary enforcement of “dirty” hits, but plays like this one from Harrison show a complete disregard for the rules and for player safety. I realize that McCoy looked like a runner until he spontaneously chucked the ball to his receiver, but Harrison could have still easily crushed McCoy without going helmet to helmet. Instead, he launched the crown of his helmet into McCoy’s facemask, which resulted in a 15-yard penalty and a concussion for McCoy. Harrison of all people knew what would happen, yet he did it anyway, presumably because he just doesn’t care. That’s fine and everything, but when Roger Goodell hits him with another massive fine, which he will, Harrison can’t complain about it, which he will.  The worst part (besides McCoy’s concussion) is that the league’s overzealous crackdown on “illegal” hits is validated because of plays like this one from Harrison. For every awful hit by Harrison, we see five baseless calls like this one on London Fletcher, but instead of having a rational discussion about the league’s intrusiveness, we’re left talking about Harrison’s hit, which is exactly what Goodell wants. (Update: Harrison was suspended for one game and fined $73,000, to which he responded “LOL!!!“. Great.)

Packers 46, Raiders 16– This game featured one of the most dominant halves of football I’ve ever seen. The Pack marched out to a 31-0 first-half lead and looked like they could literally score in six plays or less whenever they wanted. Now, most of that credit obviously goes to Aaron Rodgers and the undefeated Packers, but the Raiders looked absolutely abysmal until late in the second half after the game was wayyy out of reach.  I have a theory that whatever supernatural being is looking out for Tebow in the 4th quarter of Broncos’ games spends His first three quarters torturing the Raiders every Sunday.  Look at their streak of bad fortune since Tebow started his evangelical campaign- Darren McFadden suffered a nasty Lisfranc injury that’s kept him out for weeks. Carson Palmer has a 56% completion percentage and 13 interceptions since the Raiders traded two first-round picks for him.  Richard Seymour’s gotten ejected from two games. Rolando McClain got arrested. On Sunday they faced the league’s worst secondary, but their only two viable receivers- Jacoby Ford and Denarius Moore- were injured.  And to top it off, when the Raiders challenged that Randall Cobb stepped out of bounds during a 50-yard kickoff return, the replay system broke so the call couldn’t be overturned. Oh yeah and Al Davis died.  I’m just saying- there’s just as much evidence that God hates the Raiders as there is to prove He favors Tebow.

Lions 34, Vikings 28– Yeah, I’m 8,253 words into this screed so in lieu of a recap you get this:

Falcons 31, Panthers 23
Chargers 37, Bills 10– Remember five weeks into the season when it seemed like the Bills offense was unstoppable and Cam Newton would throw for 400-yards every game? I’m honestly not sure how either of those things ever happened.

Giants 37, Cowboys 34– This game was AWESOME. Jason Pierre-Paul has exceeded Giants’ fans wildest expectations for the 6’6”, 280-lb prototype. He finished the game with six tackles, two sacks, a forced fumble, a safety, and of course the game-winning blocked field goal. This has to kill Jets fans when they see JPP’s success compared with their own former highly touted super-athlete Vernon Gholston. The recent trend in raw, freakishly gifted athletes hasn’t panned out very often, but Pierre-Paul has been a revelation this year, although I guess that’s not surprising for a guy the size of an NBA power forward who can do a dozen back-flips in a row:

That is just amazing. If I could do back-flips I would never not be back-flipping. I am not even remotely joking. I would back-flip down every aisle at the grocery store and into every room. It’s probably for the best that my vertical leap is 4”.

MNF Seahawks 30, Rams 13– I actually watched most of this game due to fantasy playoff implications, which says a lot more about my fantasy team than it does about the game itself. But I’ve gotta say, the Seahawks might actually be a good team, or at least they should be next year. This year has been a wash thanks in large part to Tavaris Jackson’s torn pectoral muscle and Charlie Whitehurst’s abject inability to play quarterback. Injuries on their offensive line and to Sidney Rice have also hurt their cause considerably; however, they’ve shown lately that they can still score points- averaging 24.8 per game over their last five games. Marshawn Lynch looks like a legitimate franchise back and, when healthy, Jackson showed considerable improvement over what we saw from him in Minnesota. They’ve also got a pair of 23-year old wide receivers in Golden Tate and Doug Baldwin who could help form a pretty dynamic corps once Rice returns in 2012.  Things look even better on defense too- they’ve seemingly always had a solid pass rush and front 7 in Seattle, but it’s their secondary that’s been most surprising this year. Due to injuries to Marcus Trufant among others, the Seahawks are starting Richard Sherman and Brandon Browner, a rookie and a waiver-wire guy, at cornerback yet both have come on very strong after some early-season headaches. Browner looks especially promising, as he’s a physical 6’4” cover-corner- a rarity in the NFL. Meanwhile, they have a pair of Pro Bowl-caliber safeties in Kam Chancellor and Earl Thomas who are both in just their second year in the league. Their sub-.500 record this year is deceiving, they have three bad losses- at Cleveland and home against the Bengals and Redskins, but two of those three came with the excruciatingly-inept Whitehurst starting under center. Their other losses came at San Fran, at Pittsburgh, at Dallas and a two-point loss at home to the Falcons, all of which are forgivable for one of the youngest teams in the NFL. They’ve also racked up wins against the Ravens, Eagles and Giants and have lost just once since November 6th. While there’s still plenty of progress to be made on offense, they’ve shown that Pete Carroll’s plan to build a competitive team from scratch looks well on its way to succeeding. Give their young guys an offseason to improve plus a couple new free agents and draft picks and the return of Trufant and Rice and this is a team that I expect to end the 49ers’ anticipated NFC West reign before it barely begins.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s