I’m going be working on a writing project for the next few weeks, so expect the weekly reviews to be shorter than usual. This week we’ll tackle demonic giant crabs, Mitt Romney’s voiceover work and who to root for if your team got knocked out. Let’s do it:
So the regular season ended 20 days ago and somehow Jim Caldwell and Juan Castillo both still have jobs, which is slowly driving me to the brink of insanity.. I’m pretty sure that Caldwell is actually being used as a decoy though. See the Colts fired their general manager last week and I think that owner Jim Irsay is just using Caldwell to assist with the G.M. interviewing process. For example:
Irsay- “So there’s a lot of moves to be made this offseason, let’s start with head coach- you think we should keep Caldwell?”
G.M. candidate- “Yeah I think he probably deserves a second cha….”
Irsay- (screams gibberish and unloads on candidate with a BB gun)
As for Castillo, I just have no idea why he’s still employed. He turned Nnamdi Asomugha into a mediocre safety and apparently thought that “linebacker” was just a euphemism for “untalented rookie”. There’s plenty of blame to go around for the Eagles’ awful season, but Castillo is at the top of that list and he should have been fired 3 months ago. I keep reading that “Andy Reid has a tough decision to make” in regards to defensive coordinator- keep Castillo or hire Steve Spagnolo. WHAT?! This is the easiest decision in the history of personnel management- Hey do we want this guy who won a Super Bowl a couple years ago or should we keep the guy who thinks “man-to-man defense” is a term referring to Prop 8 advocates? It’s insane. Given Andy Reid’s history of mind-fucking the fans, I’m sure he’ll fire Castillo, then pass on the obvious candidate- Spagnolo- and hire the Phillies’ third base coach or some other person with no discernable connection to defensive play-calling.
-Say what you will about Mitt Romney, but the man has amazing vocal cords. He’s the Hopeful Man with the Golden Voice. I’m 100% convinced that if Romney looked and sounded like Paul Giamatti, he’d be fourth in the polls right now. Instead, he’s dominating thanks to his flawless Alec Baldwin hair and magical pipes. It doesn’t even matter what he’s saying most of the time, it just sounds correct and makes it impossible for other candidates to sound good after listening to him. After one of his crisp, soothing soliloquies about the American Dream, Rick Perry sounds like Yosemite Sam and Newt Gingrich sounds like Christian Bale’s Batman. They don’t stand a chance at the debates. Forget Obama, the Dems should take away Romney’s vocal advantage by nominating Morgan Freeman or George Takei for president. If the election doesn’t pan out the way he hopes, at least Romney’s got a bright future narrating HBO’s 24/7 series ahead of him.
On a related note, if you haven’t seen the bad lip reading voiceovers series, I highly recommend them:
-Seeing as we’re down to the conference championships, chances are your favorite NFL team is no longer playing. So now who do you root for? Well, you may not have realized that each of the teams remaining appeals to a very specific and very disparate demographic. So let me break it down for you, and you can decide for yourself who to cheer for the rest of the way:
Root for Baltimore if you like: Natty Boh, Fu Manchus, defense, play-action on every down, non-BCS eligible colleges, the White Stripes, Old Bay, Prop Joe, Johnny Unitas, lake trout, drunken horseraces, Johnny Unitas, Hamsterdam, city landmarks that are actually just strip malls near dirty water and Method Man.
Root for Baltimore if you dislike: Pittsburgh, beating sub-.500 teams, eco-friendly harbors, the Colts, the war on drugs, winning convincingly, 40 degree days.
Root for New York if you like: Inconsistency, nepotism, Salsa dancing, defensive linemen, catching things without your hands, James Gandofini,the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, laughing at Tony Romo, back flip contests, Redman, geographic misnomers.
Root for New York if you dislike: Tiki Barber, Rex Ryan, Philadelphia, your more-successful older brother, the man with the eagle tattoo, doing things the easy way.
Root for New England if you like: Dynasties, grumbling arrogance, DIY wardrobe alterations, white pride, lax bros, Peter Dinklage, Sam Adams, Ben Affleck, hidden cameras, ESPN the Magazine, Atheism, insufferable fanbases and Ol’ Dirty Bastards.
Root for New England if you dislike: Fried chicken, rally beers, David Tyree, Wally Pipp, loozahs, defense, people taller than 5’ 10”, Bridget Moynihan, Derrick Mason, intact outerwear, most minorities.
Root for San Francisco if you like: Al Gore, Frank Gore, Gore-Tex, GORP, Bawl So Hard University, Rod Tidwell, Burning Man, Full House, car chases, second chances, Nicolas Cage, bridges and prisons being considered landmarks.
Root for San Fran if you dislike: Oakland, Jim Schwartz, Victor Conte, Offense, Marcus Bachmann, Steve Mariucci, Ed Harris or transformers.
– So with the Ravens’ huge upcoming matchup with the Patriots, I figured I’d let my friend, Glen from Glen Burnie- a
barely-literate, die-hard Ravens fan (with the accent to prove it) submit his breakdown of how the two teams stack up. In case you’re unfamiliar with the Bawlmer accent, it sounds like this.
Quaterback: I’ve been sayin this fer years, Tom Brady is faar n’ awey the mowst overrated quaterbeck inna’ league. Bar none. On’ney other hand youz got Flacco, aka tha Bastion of Birdland aka The Magician of Marylin, aka The Glen Burnie-Glen Boss, The Tyrant of Towson, The Duke of Dundalk and the Colossus of Canton.
Advantage: Ravens, hon.
Running Back: On one hand youz got Ray Rice, easily the best running back in’na league since Jamal Lews, on’ney other hand youz got Woodhead- a scrawny, white hobbit who looks like he should be trying to destroy a ring, not win one. They’ve also got a guy they call the Lawfirm. Well guess what, hon? We got a lawfirm of our own in Bawlmer. The lawfirm of Barry Glazer:
Advantage: Ravens, hon.
Wide receivers/Tight ends: Look, ya dawnt hafta be a rocket scientist from Jawns Hopkis to know that tha Pats have some good receivers. Let’s see, a big white tight end who shreds defensis an’ scores 30 touchdowns a year? That sounds familiar. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAPPPP!!!!!!
Advantage: Ravens, Hon
D-line: Vince Wilfirk looks like Prop Joe from tha Wire, so I’ll give eem that. But we got HELLLOWWWTEEE NAADA, from the South Pacific, which is really just the Chesspeake of the Far Eastern Shore.
Advantage: Ravens, Hon Linebacker:
Linebackers: Do I think Ray Lewis stabbed a guy to death? Prolly. Do I care? NO. He’s still like 800th worst criminal in Bawlmer. Having a manslawghter charge on your recerd is par fer tha course in Birdland. It’s like original sin for the brothers here. And then there’s T-SIZZZZZLE. AKA the pride of BAWLMER SO HARD UNIVERSITY. I have a friend who took classees at Morgan State, Towsin, Bawlmer County Communty Cawlidge and UMBC before droppin out- that’s known as the Bawler Rhoads Scholar Progrim. Got himself a pretty sweet gig as a correctional officer now. That’s talent.
Advantage: Ravens, hon.
Secondary: Two Werds- Ed Reeeeeed. True story- I saw Ed Reed at the Shoppers in Owshin City one time. I got eem to sign my industrial-sized drum Ol’ Bay seas’nin. Now before every Ravens game I drink approximately 14 Natty Bohs and pour a little Ol Bay out onto my Super Bowl XXXV commemorative VHS case and snort a line of it and scream REEEEEEEEEEEEEED. My six-year old cries every time but it’s a game-day tradition you know?
Advantage: Ravens, hon.
Mascot: Pat Patriot vs. Poe? Uhhh, well Poe is a Raven named after Edgar Allen Poe, who was a famous poet from Hamden who loved ravens and kept one as a pet, I think. I always thought the Ravens shoulda been called the Purple Crabcakes- just seems more appropriate to me. But Poe is still better thanat frawd Pat Paytreet. You know, Bosteen always gits all the credit for the revolution, but you know Bawlmer is where the real heroes wer. Bet they dint teacha that in yer history books did thee? War of 1812…Brits comin in to attack thee White‘ouse…they made the same mistake the Patrioits are gonna make on Sunday- they forgot about Bawlmer. The Bawlmeriens attacked the British right near thee ESPN Zown in the Inner Harbor, sunk about 90% of their ships and shot off a buncha Flacco bombs. That’s how Edgar Allen Poe wrote the national anthim- and it was about Bawlmer. Look it up.
Advantage: Ravens, hon.
City: It’s pretty close across thee board when you think about it, I mean, Boston’s got Fenway Park, Bawlmer’s got Camdeen Yards. Boston’s got Harvard and MIT, Bawlmer’s got Hopkins and Townsin. Bostin’s got Larry Bird, Bawlmer’s got Michael Phelps. They got Good Will Hunting, we got Bridges of Baltimore County (it’s a short film my friend Dundalk Dan made last summer). Clam chowder vs. crab cakes, Matt Damon vs. Snoop from the Wire, Quincy Market vs. The Inner Harbor. I mean, it’s a dead heat OH WAIT NO IT AINT. Bawlmer by a mile. We got an aquarium, hon.
Advantage: You alReedy know.
Prediction: Brady comes out derr with his stupid hair and WASPy swagger an ‘ee gets popped in his stupid chin by Sizzle, HALLOWTEE NAAADA and Ray ray. Belichick gets outcoached by Harbaugh AS PER USUAL and the ghost of HEEEEEEEAP scares Gronkowski into quitting football. Ed Reed has four or five picks and eight laterals. Ray Rice rushes for 200 yards and Joe throws fer four er five hundred yards and a six pack of Flacco bombs. Ravens win 63-7 and steal the Liberty Bell from the Boston Globe and carry it all the way back to its rightful place- the Bawlmer Inner Harbor, right next to Urban Outfitters and the Cheesecake Factory.
Advantage: Ravens, hon.
-Sam Bradford: Franchise Quarterback, Heisman Winner, Intergalactic Ambassador. Did you know the Rams’ practice facility is located in Earth City, Missouri? That’s amazing, and it’s also a brilliant potentially mankind-saving decoy if you ask me. Imagine if aliens invaded and they went straight to Earth City, thinking it’d be the obvious location to meet with our world leaders and demand they turn over all our planet’s resources, then they got there and just saw a bunch of Skoal-packing farmers and Steven Jackson doing burpies so they just left. Trust me, Earth City will save mankind one day, you heard it here first.
-Nightmare Fuel Animal Edition: The Coconut Crab– Now the name may sound like a delicious option at Long John Silvers, or perhaps a singing/dancing comedic character in a Pixar movie, but the real coconut crab is Satan’s crustacean offspring. It’s straight out of the worst nightmare you’ve ever had and I legitimately caution you before reading further because ignorance is bliss and you there’s an 18% chance the next section will fuck you up for life.
Let’s see what Wikipedia has to say about the coconut crab: Well, they are THREE FEET long and weigh around 9 pounds, they have an “excellent sense of smell and can detect odors (ESPECIALLY FEAR) over large distances.” Again, these things are direct descendents of demons and they need to be killed YESTERDAY. Wikipedia also claims they live to be 40-60 years old. What? These things spend all day baking in a tropical sun yet they would outlive most 19th century adults. How? Because they have no known predators. NONE. Up until reading this I thought Great White Sharks were the only animal to hold that title. Nope. Hell Crab. Beaches are filled with predators, yet they just post up on the sand like Debo from Friday and dare anything to come at them. Fortunately, they are at least hunted by humans (presumably with Predator drones or sorcery) and eaten by islanders. Their meat, however, “can often be toxic and lead to cardiac arrest.” Great. So not only can they crush your skull with their giant hell-claw, but they can also kill you after they’ve been dead for three days- ZOMBIE MEGA CRAB.
“(Coconut crabs) live on many islands in the Pacific and Indian oceans”, to which I say- destroy them all. Burn down the rainforests, napalm the beaches, fill the oceans with crude oil- whatever it takes. These things cannot exist. Also, no wonder the only people from the South Pacific I know are The Rock, NFL linemen or savage rugby players, all the others were killed off by the crabs.
“Coconut crabs may be responsible for the disappearance of Amelia Earhart’s remains, consuming them after her death and hoarding her bones in their burrows.”
I swear to God that sentence is real. THEY ATE AN AMERICAN HERO AND HOARDED HER BONES.
“Their diet consists mostly of fruits and nuts, including coconuts which they will climb trees to get then break WITH THEIR HELL-CLAWS (last part was added by me). They also have been known to hunt and eat rats, as well as other crabs (cannibals!) and prey on the carcasses of dead animals.” Oh yea and FORTY YEAR OLD PILOTS.
In addition, “they can survive a 15 foot fall unharmed”, which is way better than most non-parkour practicing humans. You could give me 10 years on the Lost island and I wouldn’t be able to climb a tree, grab a coconut and break it open, yet these things do it every day. I bet they don’t even like coconuts.
They are somehow “subject to legal protection”, which is fucking insane. If there was any doubt that some animal lovers are out of their mind, this officially proves it. These creatures belong in hell, yet people are actively lobbying for their protection. Next time I see some nutjob from PETA about to throw red paint on an unsuspecting lady in a mink coat, I want to throw one of these monsters on them and see how they feel about saving the animals now.
I want to abandon all my life goals and focus solely on becoming president on a platform solely dedicated to declaring full-scale war on the coconut crab. These things need to be killed with fire, thrown into a Slap Chop for a decade then shot into the farthest reaches of outer space. If you disagree, you get sent to Guantanamo (Old) Bay- an internment camp for crab subversives. This is in no way outrageous.
It’s a giant Gundam monument and- I hope you’re sitting down- it’s in Japan. The value system of Japanese people will never cease to bewilder me. They need to animate that thing and send it to kill the Coconut Crabs. That’s a pay-per-view I would watch.