Ohio State– Ahh, the first victim to meet its fate at the paws of the mighty Greyhound. I legitimately hate Ohio State, so I couldn’t have been happier when their name came up on Selection Sunday. First off, they should have taken Xavier’s approach and taken a geographically ambiguous name in order to psychologically distance themselves from their awful location; instead, they did the opposite, so they deserve what’s coming. I’ve only spent 36 hours in the state of Ohio but that was more than enough to determine that it’s the worst place I’ve ever been. On Earth. There’s a cloud of sadness that hangs over the whole place like something out of a Peanuts comic. 90% of the state is just nothing but desolate fields, dead trees and forgotten dreams- it’s like American Gothic personified. The other 10% is made up of a murderers’ row of awful cities- Cleveland, Cincinnati, Dayton, Canton and of course- Columbus, the home of the THEE Ohio State University.
Players and students say “THEE” Ohio State University as it if it has some kind of significance, but in reality, it means nothing. Nothing at all. If there were multiple Ohio State Universities then I suppose it would have meaning- pretentious, dickish meaning, but still meaning. Instead, people just use it to distinguish THE Ohio State University from other schools, even though that’s fucking obviously what the other three words in the name are for. Regardless, there’s plenty of other things to hate about the school, but next time you hear someone use THEE, just know that that person is both pretentious and dumb.
Few schools have an athletic resume so full of NCAA violations and ugly incidents as Ohio State. Their legendary football coach, Woody Hayes, was fired after punching an opposing player in the throat during a bowl game and going after a referee. Other highlights throughout his tenure include the time he assaulted a writer covering the team, the time he assaulted a cameraman before a game, the time he assaulted a cameraman during a game, the time he was suspended for going insane on a referee and disrupting the game by tearing up the sideline markers, the time he didn’t apologize for punching said opposing player in the throat, and of course the time he told a player to take off his helmet then punched him in the head. A legend, indeed.
The second most successful coach in team history, Jim Tressel, resigned last year due to NCAA violations, and Tressel’s predecessor, John Cooper, was fired due to a “deteriorating climate” within the program. Of course, their basketball team isn’t without sin either. Jim O’Brien was fired in 2003 and 113 wins were vacated due to numerous NCAA violations. What an athletic program. Apparently the only rule that Ohio State does follow is “never beat an SEC team, ever”.
So not only is the state of Ohio the closest thing America has to purgatory and not only is the Buckeye athletic history filled with lunatics and cheaters, but the school was also once home to THEE most notorious serial killer in American history. Before he was dismembering and eating victims, Jeffrey Dahmer was an Ohio State student and Buckeye fan. I don’t want to be dramatic, but before you pick Ohio State tonight, just know that Jeffrey Dahmer once picked Ohio State too, and then he became a deranged, murderous cannibal. Again, I’m don’t want to exaggerate, trust me- I’m not trying to say that if you root for Ohio State you’re going to become a cannibal, that would be absurd. I’m just saying that if you root for Ohio State then you rooting for cannibalism. To me the choice is clear- support Loyola and you’re supporting the Jesuits. Support Ohio State and you’re supporting Jeffrey Dahmer.