The Loyola Fan-Guide to Madness part 3: The Game Has Changed, But The Players Are The Same

Well, that sucked. I don’t wanna talk about. If you want to read my thoughts on the game, I was drunkenly live-tweeting throughout the whole thing. Things got pretty weird by the end of the game. Anyway, some might say that from a logical standpoint, doing more Loyola fan-guide write-ups on the tournament would make no sense seeing as Loyola is no longer in the tournament. I say, that’s all the more reason to double-down on the hate and continue on. Tournaments don’t have to be interesting or exciting for you to write about them, just look at the Hunger Games. So here’s more reasons to hate every team but Loyola in the brackets…if Loyola was still in the brackets.

Syracuse– I think it’s become pretty apparent over the last few years that Jim Boeheim is the most pompous coach in college basketball. He talks to reporters like he’s magnanimously granting them a peek into the mind of a genius, yet the reasons for his pretension are completely baseless. Congratulations Jim, you’re a tactical wizard for employing the same defense that I used in fucking elementary school. And it’s not impressive that to sell out the Carrier Dome when the only alternate activities in upstate New York in January are 1. freeze to death, or 2. check when Woodstock is happening again (never) and then freeze to death.

UNC-Asheville– Direct transcription of a conversation that every UNC-Asheville player ever has had:
Random girl- “Wow you’re big, do you play basketball or something?”
Player- “Sure do, I play at UNC.”
Girl- “Reaaalllly? That’s so awesome. Like, Tobacco Road-UNC?
Player- “Yeah. Well, it’s on a tobacco road”
Girl- “What do you mean?”
Player- “Well, I play for UNC…Asheville”
Girl- “Oh.”
Player- “It’s still UNC though!”
Girl- “No it’s not. Get away from me you lanky freak.”
Girl- “I’m calling the police.”

Kansas State– Head coach Frank Martin is a lunatic. Not in the Gary Williams “crazy coach” connotation, I mean that I think he’s actually a psycho. Watch this video and tell me that’s not the face of a man who will one day be on America’s Most Wanted.  “Wednesday if they don’t come in and compete, I am going to destroy them” What sane person even talks like that? He’s a ticking time bomb, like the coaching equivalent to Shane from the Walking Dead. If you ever see Frank Martin with a shaved head, shoot him on sight.

Southern Mississippi– I had no idea that southern Mississippi still existed after Katrina. Huh….good for them. Southern Miss is the alma mater of Lord Favre the Terrible, and for that reason alone no one can cheer for them except Peter King and people who enjoy sexual harassment via text message.

Vanderbilt– Florida might have the douchiest players, but as a school, Vanderbilt’s douche-per-capita ratio is unparalleled. Just picture 18,000 un-athletic versions of Jay Cutler and you have Vanderbilt’s entire male student body.  At any given moment, 32% of all beverages being consumed at Vanderbilt have a roofie in them.

Harvard– Apparently I’m legally obligated to mention Jeremy Lin in any Harvard basketball preview.  Every sportswriter who still thinks it’s clever to make Linsanity jokes should be given Lethal Linjection, especially since he makes more costly turnovers than the Winklevoss twins. I personally can’t wait until we find out that he committed animal cruelty during his initiation into the Phoenix club.  Then he’ll get Lincarcerated like Michael Vick and Harvard basketball’s 15 Linutes of Fame will expire so I can stop trying to drink Linsecticide every time I hear these Linane puns.

Wisconsin– This team epitomizes everything that the Big 10 stands for- grinding defense, decrepit half-court offense and completely unwatchable games. The Big 10 is unbearably boring, so they market themselves by calling it “old school basketball” like that’s supposed add gravitas or something. “Old school basketball” was 5 slow white guys missing mid-range jump shots and dribbling around for 40 minutes. Sorry, but everyone with a functional nervous system would rather watch Blake Griffin and LeBron James run fast breaks and jump over people instead. What I’m trying to say is that if you root for Wisconsin you’re a racist.

Montana– The only famous person from Montana EVER is Ted Kaczynski aka The Unabomber. It’s 100% fact that no one voluntarily lives there unless they’re a federal fugitive. If you committed to Montana for basketball then you either have alarmingly poor judgment or you literally received no other scholarship offers and you couldn’t get into community college. Montana is Canada without electricity.

Cincinnati– Cincinnati  has done everything in their power to make themselves a villain. They’re sociopaths. They wear all-black jerseys, they were 100% to blame for their fight with Xavier, a fight which included Yancey Gates kicking a player while he was on the ground AND Kenyon Martin went there. Their longtime coach, Bob Huggins looks, acts and sounds like he should be the morally-bankrupt, overzealous coach who the Mighty Ducks are playing against in the finals of the Goodwill Games. They also play in the Fifth Third Arena, which I guess qualifies as a fraction in Ohio. Only someone who received their education at Cincinnati would think that “fifth” and “third” are words that can possibly go next to each other.

Kansas– The whole Rock Chalk Jayhawk ritual is WILDLY overrated. Just cause it’s a tradition doesn’t mean it’s good. Racism was once a tradition too, and then people finally woke up and stopped being racist, well, except in Kansas. Also, according to this article, University of Kansas’ go-to drunk food is Cream Cheese Pizza, which is exactly what it sounds like. There are disgustingly gluttonous foods, and then there are disgustingly gluttonous foods that can only be justified in the melted-butter-infused mind of someone who lives in Kansas. This is that.  That doesn’t even sound good.

Detroit– I honestly didn’t know they had higher education in Detroit.

Georgetown– The official school of pastels! There is literally no preppier place on earth than Georgetown. There must be some mandate in the student handbook that says you must own at least 6 items that are Periwinkle Blue before you’re allowed to walk down M street. Until I visited Georgetown’s campus I did not know that it was possible to unironically wear plaid chinos.

Temple– The single most misleading name for an institution ever.  I wonder how many Hasidim send their children to Temple each August, only to have them return home terrified and broken by Labor Day? Probably lots.


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