8. Hot Cheetos and Takis

Yeah I have no reason whatsoever for featuring that video…just thought you should see it.

Today Madden 2013 finally hit the shelves, much to the delight of NFL nerds everywhere. Madden Day is an annual rite of football season; a sign that, indeed your calendar is correct, opening day is near, and it’s time to sever all ties with the non-football fans in your life. Madden itself has almost gotten out of hand over the years though. Have you tried playing online? Unless you devote 70 hours a week to studying playbooks and reading virtual defenses, you will get fucking smoked by some 13-year-old version of Chuck Noll. That’s why I exclusively play against the computer, learn its habits, lower the difficulty mid-game if necessary, and win by 30 every time.  Do I recognize that it’s incredibly pathetic when I pick the Packers and give Captain Mainframe the Jaguars? Is this habit born out of some desperate subconscious need for “athletic” success or confidence boosting? No, and fuck you, respectively; stop asking questions. If I can send a message to our robot overlords of tomorrow that we are not a species to be trifled with, you bet your ass I’m going to. I feel it’s my duty as a loyal member of a little team I like to call mankind. Sorry for believing in the triumph of the human spirit. What are you doing to stop the Robotpocalypse? Nothing. When the robots finally decide to turn on us, you’re going to be getting sodomized by your beloved Roomba while I’m going sitting comfortably on my couch, whistling the God Bless America and throwing my eighth TD of the game with Aaron Rodgers. Prosecution rests. On to more previews…


Oakland Raiders-
The Raiders went 8-8 in their first season after Al Davis’ organs finally acknowledged what his exoskeleton and frontal cortex had known long ago. The Raiders appeared destined to win an AFC West title in the late Emperor Palpatine’s honor until they lost four of their final five games and set the NFL record for most penalties in a season.  How very Oakland of them.

Added– Mike Goodson, Matt LOLeinart
Lost– Michael Bush, Kamerion Wimbley, Stanford Routt, Jason Campbell, Kevin Bawse, Louis Murphy
– Someone in the organization watched Moneyball in the offseason, because they’ve learned that while no creature on earth can replace Al Davis’ creepiness, the organization can, in fact, replace it in the aggregate. New owner Mark Davis looks like the kind of guy who was breastfed well into junior high, and G.M. Reggie McKenzie may actually be Blake Griffin in a fat suit.
-Possibly the only good defensive player left on this team is Rolando McClain. Unfortunately, like most of Oakland, McClain will be spending much of the season in jail. The former Alabama star was found guilty of a handful of misdemeanors, including third-degree assault, menacing, reckless endangerment and discharging a firearm in the city, stemming from a drive-by shooting in Decatur, Alabama. Only in Decatur is a drive-by shooting considered a misdemeanor. He started serving 180 sentence on June 1, so who knows if he’ll even play this season once Goodell sicks his dementor claws on him.
-There are tremendously embarrassing fan videos, and then there’s this video:
1) The guy in the sombrero can’t make up his mind whether he’s a pirate, Randy Savage, or just Mexican.  2) There are 37 DUIs and paternity child support lawsuits among the people shown in that video. 3) STOP SENDING MILT E-MAILS.


John Gruden says draft THIS GUY– Darren McFadden. Just make sure you trade him before he gets hurt, soooo week 3?
Hate Draft– Darius Heyward-Bey
Don’t Draft– Carson Palmer. I love that Palmer is this year’s “Quarterback who everyone acknowledges is worthless except his team’s disillusioned fans who still think it’s 2005”. This is also known as the Brett Favre/Donovan McNabb Award.

Fun With Names!

Hey aren’t you…- FB Rashawn Jackson and DT Desmond Bryant. I will go ahead and guarantee that Mark Davis introduced them as Dez Bryant and DeSean Jackson and was banking on the fact that Raiders fans wouldn’t notice, which may actually work.
How aren’t you a porn star– DT Jamie Cumbie (Not even gonna elaborate).
How aren’t you playing professional lacrosse – DE Mason Brodine, there is no bro-ier lax bro name than Mason Brodine. If he added “the third” to the end of his name I guarantee he’d get drafted first overall in the MLL sight unseen.
NameVP– RB Manase Tonga . The Rock’s favorite condiment! (Note: Yes I know the Rock is not from Tonga, but that sentence would have been confusing if I used rugby star Jonah Lomu aka a famous Tongan. Take it up with them).  If Manase Tonga’s nickname isn’t HellMan or Miracle Whip he should be kicked out of the league.

Over/Under– 7
Pino 911 Official Pick– UNDER. Vegas is predicting one less win despite the Broncos replacing Tebow with an actual real life quarterback and the Chiefs’ 72 injured players from last year finally getting healthy. Hell no. Did I mention that Carson Palmer is washed up and perpetually sunburned and that Darren McFadden’s bones are made of Wheat Chex?  They could go 6-0 to start the year and I’d still bet the under.

50% Viking. 50% wrestler. 100% unemployable.

Minnesota Vikings- The Vikings were an NFL team last year, if nothing else. Rookie quarterback Christian Ponder took over in Week 7 and powered his team to a 3-13 record. Adrian Peterson blew out his knee. Jared Allen did Jared Allen-y. Uh,yeah that’s it.

Added- Matt Kalil, Jerome Simpson, John Carlson
Lost-  Visanthe Shiancoe, Steve Hutchinson, E.J. Henderson, Cedric Griffin
– Pop quiz hotshot- Who was the Vikings’ starting quarterback in week 1 last season? If you guessed jovial underachiever Donovan McNabb, you’re right! Doesn’t it seem like three years since Donovan played in the NFL? I know you could make a strong case for neither the Vikings nor Redskins being real competitors, but technically they are still professional football team. Not only did Donovan’s phone remain silent after he was released mid-season last year, but somehow, he has also yet to sign on with any networks for their pre-game shows. No athlete in history has so overtly spent the twilight of his career jockeying for an announcing gig like McNabb; in fact, you could make a rather compelling argument that his entire NFL career was all just a front so that he could reach his true goal: fake-laughing and cracking stupid jokes with Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long. In all likelihood he threw up in the final round of interviews with each network. (There’s your obligatory Philly fan McNabb joke, had to get that in or I could have had my license revoked)
-Hilariously, if you look at last year’s schedule on the Vikings site (it automatically takes you to the current schedule, apparently in hopes that you don’t bother to look at what happened last year), they left the passing leader category blank for all of the games McNabb started. The Vikings are actively trying to destroy any evidence that Donovan McNabb ever played for them. Can’t say I blame them. If you wear a McNabb Vikings jersey in Minneapolis, just know that there’s an 80% chance that the Vikings security team will find you, confiscate your jersey, and erase your memory.

This will never, ever get old.


John Gruden says draft THIS GUY– Percy Harvin? Bump him up your draft board if your league awards points for soft injuries and perpetual grumpiness.
Hate Draft– Adrian Peterson. For the record, we’re a week away from the season and AP has yet to cut or get tackled in practice. I’m not saying that he’s going to ruin his body by coming back from a two-year injury to play for a horrible team just seven months later; I’m just saying that’s exactly what I’m saying.
Don’t Draft- Christian Ponder. The Ponder-Gabbert-Tannehill battle for most inept quarterback this year is going to be delicious.

Fun With Names!

Hey aren’t you– An NFL franchise? How don’t you have any solid names to make fun of? God this team sucks.
How aren’t you a porn star– LT DeMarcus Love. I’m pretty sure that is a porn star, actually. It could very well be the same person. A left tackle for the Vikings could moonlight as a porn star and literally no one ever would notice.
How aren’t you a lacrosse player– Kicker Blair Walsh. Interestingly, if your name is Blair Walsh, you are obligated to own at least one ironic NBA throwback jersey and those flip flops that have the bottle opener on the bottom.
NameVP– OT Levi Horn. I honestly thought this was the name of the Vikings mascot. Nope…real guy.

Over/Under- 6 wins

Pino911 Pick- UNDER. How on earth is this team going to win six games? They play in the NFL’s best division, their only good player had his knee turned inside-out last December, their quarterback is the laughingstock of his own family reunions and their second-best defensive player, Antoine Winfield, is 73 years old. By December they will be actively rooting for another roof collapse.


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