This preview was way longer than I expected- I didn’t realize just how much I hated about Boston til I started writing- so let’s get right into it.
New England Patriots- The Pats comically lost again to America’s goofiest antihero, Eli Manning, in the Super Bowl. If you told me 6 years ago that Tom Brady and Bill Belichick would have their legacy spoiled by Eli Manning, I honestly would have thought you meant that Eli Manning killed them in a drunk driving accident.
Added– Brandon Lloyd, Dunt’a Hightower, Jabar Gaffney, 17 utterly superfluous tight ends
Lost– BenJarvis Green-Ellis, Chad Johnson, Kevin Faulk, Andre Carter
-Boston fans are spoiled, tone-deaf versions of Philly fans, only replace Philly’s self-loathing with limitless arrogance and somehow more racism. Boston fans believe they’re intelligent just because they’ve got Bill Belichick and a half-dozen top-tier universities that none of them attended; they act like just because Harvard is nearby, all of Boston got smart simply via osmosis.
-Every guy in Boston over six-feet tall thinks he’s Ben Affleck and everyone under 6 feet thinks he’s Matt Damon. In reality, they’re all Jeremy Renner in The Town.
-Even the food in Boston is overrated: Clam chowder is barely even a top-ten soup; lobsters are the stuffy, boring old brother of the crab; and when I was in Boston, all I heard was how good their bread was. You know who else makes good bread? Everyone. Everyone, in every culture, for the last 6,000 years. Onlypeople as delusionally self-aggrandizing as Boston fans could possibly think they could take credit for bread. And no one in Boston washes their hands before they eat. Ever.
-Bill Belichick stockpiles draft picks like he can turn them into opposing teams’ practice footage, yet he inevitably ends up playing 9 guys out of position on defense to make up for their lack of depth. Hey Bill, when Jason Campbell and Vince Young put up 300 yards against you and Elijah Wood is both your running back and nickel corner, you should probably start using those draft picks.
-Last year’s offensive coordinator, Bill O’Brien, left the Patriots to take over the sinking ship at Penn State. Contrary to what you might think, O’Brien is not an alumnus of Penn State and had no prior ties to the university, or even the Big 10. Great career choice, man. That’s like our Secretary of State stepping down to become president of Libya- yeah, you might have a bigger office, but it’s in the middle of a desolate wasteland where everyone still thinks it’s 1985 and you’ll always be associated with the asshole who preceded you. If we’ve learned anything over the past two years, it’s that Penn State fans are delusional conspiracy theorists who have an alarmingly pronounced victim complex and care more about sports than actual real life. In that sense, his time in Boston prepared him well; but anyone who would voluntarily leave one of America’s signature franchises to take over at Penn State has apparently not read a newspaper in twenty years, or just two. At least the postseason ban means he doesn’t have to worry about inevitably getting smoked by an SEC team in a bowl game for another five years.
-My real beef with O’Brien though, stems from the fact that his departure opened the door for the return of Josh McDaniels, who is second only to Brad Childress as the coach least deserving of being allowed in any NFL stadium. During McDaniels time as head coach of the Broncos he traded Jay Cutler, used first round picks on Tim Tebow, Knowshon Moreno and Robert Ayers, missed the playoffs in 2009 despite starting the season 6-0 (finished 8-8), fired nearly every Broncos assistant coach and hired his jagoff younger brother, spent $3.2 million on Jarvis Green who never played a snap, traded Peyton Hillis for Brady Quinn, traded his 2010 first-round pick to take Alphonso Smith, who they traded a year later for Lions 4th string tight end Dan Gronkowski, traded Brandon Marshall for two second-round picks, which he in turn traded to get Tebow. Then he got fired. Oh and then he spent last year with the Rams, coordinating the 25th-best offense in the league. Josh McDaniels is the worst.
-Who’s a better than the fackin’ Pats this ye-ah’? NAWT YOU.
John Gruden says draft THIS GUY– Brady, Gronk, Welkah, Lloyd, Hernandez.
Hate Draft– Steven Ridley, really? The Patriots are gonna start using running backs? Good luck with that.
Don’t Draft– Danny Woodhead- See Ridley, subtract 8 inches, 35 pounds, melanin.
Fun With Names
Hey aren’t you– WR Donte Stallworth. Wait that’s actually the Donte Stallworth? How on earth do you kill a man AND suck at receiving and still be in the leagues 7 years past your prime? Man Chad Johnson must have really been an asshole.
How aren’t you a porn star– OLB Tracy White
How aren’t you a professional lacrosse player– Tie- It’s a tie FB Spencer Larson/DE Chandler Jones, but seriously, how isn’t Gronk a lax bro?
NameVP– Punter Zoltan Mesko, the undefeated champion of names.
Over/Under- 12 wins.
Pino911 Official Pick- OVAH. FACKIN RIGHT. They’ll cruise through the AFC East and come away with 13 or 14 wins in the regular season before inevitably losing to the Giants or Ravens or some other inferior team and find a way to blame it on Bobby Valentine.