Detroit Lions- The Lions had an encouraging 2011 season and made their first playoff appearance since 1999. Their first round playoff game, however, got ugly quick, as Drew Brees threw for 466 yards and the Saints hung 45 points on the Lions’ brutal secondary. It was a disappointing and dark time for Detroit, or as they call it in Detroit, “time”.
Added– Sean Jones, Jacob Lacey, Reilly Reiff, Jonathan Scott, who are all, I guess, professional athletes?
Lost- Aaron Berry, Eric Wright.
–You merely adjusted to the dark, Jim Schwartz was born in it. I’m 60% percent sure the man is legitimately psychotic. The GIF above is following a WIN. Look at this press conference– you can actually see the aggression boiling below the surface like a volcano. I guarantee that Jim Schwartz gets into a road rage altercation every single time he gets behind the wheel of a car. He’s the kind of guy who honks his driver’s horn when he’s sitting shotgun, screams at baristas for using Splenda instead of Sweet N’ Low and confiscates kids’ soccer balls when they go into his yard. Jim Schwartz has ZERO fucks to give this world.
-A comical amount of Lions got arrested this season, which is perfect. This team has completely taken over the role of villain in the NFL, which is astounding considering they play in the same division as Jay Cutler. With their savagery both on and off the field, Roger Goodell might end up suspending this entire franchise by year’s end.
-Ndomakong Suh’s favorite sideline beverage is a mixture of bacon grease, marshmallow fluff and the blood of opposing quarterbacks.
-Henry Rollins’ psychotic white supremacist character in Sons of Anarchy was base entirely on Kyle VanDen Bosch.
-Matt Stafford refuses to have sex unless there is another bro in the room with whom he can exchange mid-coital high fives and “hang ten” hand gestures.
-Jahvid Best believes he is living in a post-apocalyptic society, in part because of his 4 concussions, but more so because he lives in downtown Detroit and he always sleeps on the team bus when they go to other cities.
-Tony Scheffler was once kicked out of Disney World for cut blocking Pluto.
-Ugo Chinasa is both the fourth string defensive end, and the words that the prisoners chant when people try to escape Bane’s prison.
John Gruden says draft THIS GUY– Megatron, Stafford, Pettigrew, Titus Young aka this year’s popular “sleeper” pick, which means he’ll get taken six rounds too early.
Hate Draft– Every running back. They are all varying degrees of injured and terrible and eager to thieve each others’ fantasy points.
Don’t Draft-Backup QB Kellen Moore. Some interesting notes on Moore- the former Boise State star just found out about Youtube three months ago, refuses to use magic markers because of “his religious beliefs” and died his pubes blue to match the turf before every home game at Boise. Those are what scouts refer to as red flags.
Fun With Names!
Hey aren’t you…-RB Kevin Smith. His nickname should be 2 Phat 2 Fly. At the very least, that would have been perfect in the 90s at least, although I guess it’s kinda outdated and shitty today though, which makes it the perfect nickname for Kevin Smith.
How aren’t you a porn star-TIE: WR Lance Long and LB Carmen Messina. They took home “Best Inverted Pyramid 69 by a Duo or Group” at this year’s American Porn Awards. Huge upset.
How aren’t you playing professional lacrosse – OT Gosder Cherilus. That name is white exceptionalism at its finest. Guarantee he and Vanden Bosch are best friends.
NameVP– Gotta go with 19th century French sailor-turned-running back Mikel Leshoure, although he’s suspended the first two games of the season for “misuse of treasure” and “scurvy profiteering.”
Over/Under– 9.5 wins.
Pino 911 Official Pick– Way over…or way under…I can’t decide. Like Jim Schwartz’ range of natural human reactions, this team only knows extremes. All I know is that this team is either going to be unbelievable and win 11 or 12 games in a brutal division, or they’re going to completely melt down and win 6 games. It doesn’t really make a difference, because it’s gonna be amazing when the Lions either get eliminated from playoff contention in November and Schwartz punches the opposing coach, or when they win the Super and Schwartz celebrates by punching the opposing coach. Jim Schwartz is a paradox.