AFLACCOLYPSE NOW part 1: Patriots Schadenfreude

In case you haven’t heard, the Ravens are going to the HarBowl…er, HarBaughl…Super Bro-wl…They’re brothers! Anyway, I’ll have a few posts between now and Super Bowl Sunday about the scene here in Birdland (preview: inebriated and combative), but before we look at the cast of characters who will be competing in a couple weeks, let’s look back on who won’t be; more specifically, let’s laugh at the Patriots.
I had no intention of devoting an entire post to the Patriots until I saw this article, entitled, Never Forget: They Hate Us Because They Want To Be Us.” I don’t know who “el presidente” is, but I’m assuming he’s the illiterate ghost of Dan Shaughnessy. Obviously, most Pats fans would read this and cringe, much in the same way that I would cringe if a video of Philly fans beating the shit out a Laberdoodle puppy in a Cowboys jersey emerged (probably already exists). It’s stereotypical. It’s unrepresentative. It’s low-hanging fruit….but I haven’t done this in a while, and low-hanging fruit can be delicious, so let’s take this line-by-line, shall we?
First things first. Shannon Sharpe is probably top 5 most pretentious assholes on the planet.
Couldn’t proofread the very first sentence, huh? That’s not the eloquent Barstool prose I know.
Bill Belichick is Bill Belichick. He doesn’t like giving interviews when the Pats win. He doesn’t like giving interviews when the Pats lose. Same guy.
“See?? It’s asshole double jeopardy! He’s always a curmudgeonly taintmuffin. All is forgiven!”
I have no problem with the media hating on him, but this isn’t a Lebron situation where he seeks out cameras and adulation when he wins and hides when he loses. You want to call Belichick a sore loser that’s fine. But just make sure you call him a sore winner too because his attitude doesn’t change.
Uh, we do call him a sore winner. Like, every time he wins. See Exhibit A: The 9,700 SportsCenter segments about the Patriots running up the score during their undefeated regular (LOL) season.
Anyway as much as I wanted to avoid talking about the Patriots today it’s impossible. Not when the entire world is open firing on us like they are right now. See that’s the thing about being a Pats fan. Everybody wants to see you fail.
Other things about being a Pats fan: Having persecutory delusions, masturbating to Mark Wahlberg, most likely being racist.
We’ve been king of the mountain for so long that it’s only natural for the rest of the league to hate us.
This statement sounds absurd until you consider the minor topographical distinction that on top of Patriots’ mountain is another mountain that’s for teams that won a Super Bowl in the last 9 years.
For the rest of the country the only thing better than their own team winning is us not winning.
1. Who’s “us”?
2. That statement is blatantly untrue.
3. Fuck you.
I don’t blame them. If I didn’t live here I’d hate us too. Like nobody cares that the Falcons lost. Nobody cared when the Packers got bounced. The only team people care about is the Patriots.
I’ll ignore the wild narcissism of this statement and give him the fact that nobody cares that the Falcons lost.
They hate us with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.
This means nothing. “Hate” and “heat” may sound similar with a Boston accent but that does not make them synonyms. The intensity of hatred isn’t measured in temperature. It’s measured in cubic joules or light years (if you use the metric system). Everyone knows that.
It makes days like today that much harder to endure when everybody and their grandmother is piling on.
Grandma Pino: “…and that’s what it was like seeing untold horrors as a nurse during World War Two while your grandfather was gone for two years fighting for his life and his country in the South Pacific. Anyway, did you happen to see that Patriots game?”
Horrible Pats Fan from out of nowhere: “FACK YOU GRANMDA YOU-AH HAVE NO I-DEE-AH WHAT I HAVE TO ENDURE ROOTING FOR BRADY AND WELK-AH”
When you have the Shannon Sharpes and Terrell Suggs of the world mouthing off.
That is not a sentence.
The bottomline is this.
“What is, ‘not a compound word,’ Alex.”
Idiot.
In an era where parity is king
Parity is king of the era, just like sticktoitiveness is the prince of the times and waffles are the jesters of the fortnight.
and the NFL strives for equality the Pats have been to 5 superbowls in 12 years, 7 AFC title games and 10 division titles.
Incoherent boasts about AFC East titles are the natural defense mechanism of bitter Pats fans.
If you throw out the year Brady got hurt that means Brady and the Pats have been to the Superbowl in half the seasons he’s been in the league. Before every season begins we know we have a 50% chance of being in the final game.
5 out of 11 is 50%. NO ONE DENIES THIS.
If we don’t win it all than the entire season is viewed as a gigantic waste of time. We are left stunned and depressed and questioning the existence of god.
Note: “god” is the code name for Belichick’s spy cameras.
Meanwhile other cities treat just making the playoffs like they won a world championship.
Right. That definitely happens.
Why am I saying all this?
Because you’re a disillusioned, page-view baiting, feeble-minded narcissist?
Because on days like today it’s easy to forget how lucky we are to be Pats fans. There has never been anything like this run in the NFL and there never will be again.
NEV-AH….except for that time the Niners won 5 Super Bowls in 13 years, the Steelers won 4 in 6 years, and the Redskins won 3 in 10 years and the Cowboys won 3 in 4 years and the….
You wonder why everybody hates the Pats?
Not after reading this article.
It’s because for the past decade we’ve ruled the NFL with an iron fist the likes of which this league has never seen before.
Zero Super Bowls in nine years. What a magnanimous and charitable iron fist.
Does it suck we lost? Of course it does. Would I trade places with any other fan base? Not in a billion years.
NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU AND NAWT YOU.
Because when the season starts anew we know we already can pencil ourselves in for the AFC title game.
(Pencils in “lose to Joe Flacco or Eli Manning” on calendar)
Quite simply they hate us because they want to be us and who wouldn’t?
Well…the facts are Brady hasn’t won a big game since 2005. He hasn’t won a big game since the media has deemed him the golden boy. And once again yesterday he made some uncharacteristic mistakes in big moments highlighted by his clock mismanagement at the end of the first half. Things that if other QB’s did they’d get vilified for. Football is definitely a team game. And since the Patriots have become a Brady first team we haven’t won shit.
Those aren’t my words, they’re from THIS WRITER’S own sulking post from the same day this was posted. So who wouldn’t wanna be you? For starters- you.

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