As you can see in the headline, America is going to win the World Cup. But before I get to that, here’s a quick look at my internal monologue after the US was drawn into the group with Germany and Ghana. As I said yesterday, things could get bad:
-“NO NO NO NO NO. I’m going to throw up. I’m throwing up. I have thrown up. I shouldn’t have gone to work today. Stop crying, Pete.”
-” FUUUUUUUUUCK YOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”
-“We’re screwed. That’s it. We only know two teams in our group and our World Cup is already over.”
-“Okay. Stop cursing. You gotta calm down. It’s gonna be okay. We still have one more pot to go. Just gotta hope for Greece or Russia. We can totally advance if we end up with Greece or Russia.”
-“Portugal? FUUUUUUUUUUUCKK YOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”
But I have since composed myself, thought it through, and realized, “Wait a second- we’re going to win the World Cup!” I’m serious, you guys. WE ARE CANCELLING THE APOCALYPSE. This may seem like an awful draw, but guess what- the countries in our group are either A) deplorable B) overrated or C) Portuguese. So, yes, we are in the “Group of Death.” Big deal. Bring that shit, Group G. Uncle Sam’s comin for that ass. Examine:
-The Germans have a rich tradition of going into hiding in South America. Expect more of the same.
-The United States has gotten good results in its two recent friendlies against Germany, including a win earlier this year in Washington, D.C.
-The United States has gotten even better results in two not-so-recent, not-so-friendlies against them, going dos-a-cero against the Germans in world wars.
-Espionage. They thought it was a big deal that we bugged Chancellor Angela Merkel’s phone? HA. That was only the tip of the iceberg. We have infiltrated the German futbol ranks at every level — the US has a bunch of German American players – the children of military servicemen (AKA SPIES) who were stationed in Germany. And of course we have Jurgen Klinsmann, the coach of the German national team at the 2006 World Cup, who it turns out was really just a plant, an inside man spying for the US. Now, all those years of living, playing and coaching behind enemy lines have finally paid off. We know the Germans’ plans before they’ve even thought of them.
– By knocking the United States out of the past two World Cups, Ghana has accomplished the remarkable achievement of getting Americans to care about Africa without using a Facebook campaign, so they deserve some credit for that. But as any German will tell you, it’s best to not bring up the past. And the US has a completely different team, coach and style of play since they last met the Black Stars.
-Ghana needed a home and home playoff victory against Egypt just to make the World Cup, and Egypt, as you may have heard, has other priorities right now. Congrats, Ghana, you qualified by beating the 11 guys in Egypt not healthy enough to protest.
-Their chief export is terrible puns using the word ‘Ghana’.
-They lost to Burkina Faso earlier this year. That’s a real place and a real thing that happened.
-If you can separate the history from the current team, Ghana is straight up not very good. Their best player, Michael Essien, is 31, few of their players see much playing time in Europe and their defense is terrible. If you factor out the past, the US would be a fairly heavy favorite to beat them.
-Portugal is just dollar store Brazil.
-The US plays Portugal in the dreaded venue of Manaus, which is located deep in the Amazon, a whole time zone away from any of the other venues. Absolutely nobody wants to play there, but if there’s one thing the US does well, it’s bad conditions. In an average stretch of qualifying games, the US might play in scorching heat, or in a snowstorm, or at the lung-strangling altitude of Estadio Azteca, or on the horrific playing surfaces of NFL stadiums, or surrounded by legitimately crazy fans in Central America and Mexico. So, play in a rainforest? Ain’t no thing. But Portgual? The Cristiano Ronaldo, pomade-styled, dive-happy Portugal? Playing in a jungle? Please. PORTUGAL AIN’T ‘BOUT THAT LIFE.
-They have Pepe, and he is the worst.
-The Iberian peninsula is the Florida panhandle of Europe, and Portugal is its Tallahassee.
-We beat Portugal in the 2002 World Cup and we weren’t even good in 2002!
-Portugal is known for its rich history of maritime explorers like Magellan- COOL CLAIM TO FAME PORTUGAL, YOU PEAKED 500 YEARS AGO. They were better off staying home and killing Christians or talking about the plague or whatever it was Portuguese people did for fun in the 15th century, cause they done messed up: Vasco da Gama opened the seas for exploration, and then Columbus discovered America, and then Portugal was fucked.
So, in summation, the United States is going to win the World Cup.